World of Warcraft: Forever Knows My Weakness transcript

I played vanilla World of Warcraft when it launched in November 2004. Before that, I played EverQuest. I briefly attempted to play EverQuest 2 [music] and World of Warcraft at the same time, but wow ultimately won. I played [music] for the next five years through The Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King. Then I had a baby in 2009. I was probably playing wow while I was in labor. I can't prove that, but it feels historically accurate.

That was when I decided to grow up >> [music] >> and become a responsible adult. I abandoned video games entirely and devoted myself to raising a human being. Then classic wow launched in August 2019. I looked at my 10-year-old and said, "Well, you probably won't die anymore. Mommy has Horde to kill." And I was all in for another three years. Here is my complicated relationship with World of Warcraft. I got out the first time while it was still good.

One month after my son was born, Blizzard introduced automated dungeon matchmaking. Suddenly, you could complete an entire dungeon with people you never needed to know, speak to, or see again. Hello and goodbye gave way to silent [music] compliance. Anonymity made casual toxicity easier, and dungeons stopped feeling like social adventures. They just became transactions. Get in, get loot, get out. When I returned for classic, I watched the spreadsheet mentality creep into that version, too.

Efficiency became the only acceptable way to play. I joined an in-game raid guild that described itself as a quote dad guild, which sounded casual and friendly. Then they ran damage meters and summoned me to discuss my performance with guild leadership. I already have a corporate job. I do not need a mid-year performance review from a man named Wizit. Tools made it increasingly easy to reduce a player's [music] value to a damage score.

If that was how people treated someone they called a friend, I can only imagine what new or returning players encountered. What should have been a welcoming hobby turned into an exclusive hostile >> country club. >> World of Warcraft is often compared to a toxic ex-girlfriend, and that is uncomfortably accurate. The relationship begins with an intoxicating high, slowly chips away at your self-worth, and somehow leaves you wondering whether maybe this time things will be different.

I desperately want to hate this game, but god damn it, she is a sexy sphinx. She gets me every single time. So, yes, I have already purchased the ridiculous $79.99 Forever Collection. Yes, I am ashamed, [music] but shame did not prevent the transaction from clearing. You know what? Let's just watch the trailer and discover precisely why I am so painfully weak. The trailer opens with a wisp, >> Oh. >> a map, and a narrator.

With the exception of the wisp, the original World of Warcraft cinematic opened very similarly. >> to our hearts, revealing lands unexplored, forgotten secrets, and new horizons. >> And then they cut to the exact same dwarf. Y'all, words cannot adequately express [music] how much I love a dwarf. Oh dear god, it's the same bear, too. Huh, [sighs and gasps] so Blizzard opened the file marked Penny's critical weaknesses [music] and found the words dwarves and bears written in bold red >> [music] >> and assembled a targeted psychological weapon.

Penny, we know you're trying to maintain boundaries, so we packaged your two greatest weaknesses together with a bow and a $79.99 price tag. Will that be debit [music] or credit card? Put lipstick on a dwarf and a bow on a bear and then come knocking on Penny's door and she'll be planning the wedding before you reach the second cinematic [music] shot. God, I hate myself. Anyway, let's fall more deeply in love with a dwarf and a bear.

Blizzard has always made extraordinary cinematics. Give me sweeping landscapes, dramatic music, and one emotionally significant animal, and apparently I will forgive two decades of grievances. I recognize the manipulation and it is still working. Next, we see Dalaran, but this appears to be a different version of its history. Instead of the city eventually floating away, its protective magical barrier comes [music] down while Dalaran is still firmly on the ground.

And this suggests that we should not expect Forever to follow the same expansion progression through the Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King. It appears my toxic ex-girlfriend is demonstrating personal growth. Next, we appear to have an undead paladin, which is one of the new race and class combinations. I didn't play Horde, so emotionally this means very little to me, but I understand that some of you have poor judgment and I am happy for you.

Then we see Mount Hyjal, one of Forever's [music] new zones. And there's more bear. Yes, excellent. Just continue with the bear propaganda. I'm immune to your nostalgia, Blizzard. I'm not immune to your bear though. Finally, the wisp flies [music] toward a new area and we meet the Skyborn, a new neutral playable race. They appear to work somewhat [music] like the pandas with players choosing faction later. I'm not completely sold on them yet, but apparently I paid for them, so I suppose we're going to find out. >> To home.

To adventure. Forever. >> And then the title appears, World of Warcraft forever. Forever sounds less like a title and more like a threat. Appropriate for a toxic ex. You thought you got away, Penny? No, until you die. We have dwarves, bears, and your credit card information till you die. So yes, I already purchased the Forever collection. I cannot adequately explain how weak I am when it comes to this game. I genuinely want to resist it.

I can [music] clearly identify everything that drove me away. I can explain in detail the social and psychological machinery being used against me. And then they show me a dwarf with a bear. Apparently, that is all it takes to dismantle 22 years of abuse. You will probably see World of Warcraft forever content on this channel cuz I make videos about whatever I'm playing. And I think we all know what I'll be playing on November 4th.

It is what it is. My apologies in advance. I'll try to locate a spine next time I leave the house. Until next time, keep exploring and I'll see you in the next world.