54 5 Minute Set Idiot Box transcript

I am celebrating turning 54 years old. A lot of realizations come when you turn 54. For instance, I now know I can date on silversingles.com. I don't because I'm married. And I can't remember my password. I also go to the doctor now and he doesn't try to fix me. He just blames it on my age. Apparently, I've hit something called a certain age. I'll be like, "Doc, I've been riding roller coasters my whole life. Now all of a sudden I've got motion sickness.

What gives?" "Well, Eric, at a certain age, your inner ear gives up on your childish bullshit." All right. How about this one? The other day I pulled a muscle in my neck sneezing. "Well, Eric, at a certain age, sneezing becomes a very dangerous life choice." All right, Doc, last one. I'm having trouble bending over and tying my shoes. Is it because I'm old? "No, Eric, you're fat." And I got me right here in the man boobs.

Uh I'm also at 54, I leave my zipper down a LOT MORE OFTEN. THAT IS THE PERFECT REACTION. Uh and now when I walk into a building, I always do a quick zipper check like this. Is it up? Is Is down? I'm 54. Does it matter? BUT I WAS DOING A SHOW DOWN IN NILES, MICHIGAN, which is way up from here, but it's down from where I live. And I I was the opening act, so I went out and I told my jokes and they killed. Hilarious. You guys would have loved it.

It wasn't these jokes. But I sat back down and I watched the other comedians go up and then I got up to leave and I realized my zipper had been down the whole time. And the worst part is I still don't know if they were laughing at my opening act or my other opening act. So now every time I go on stage, keys, wallet, dignity. Another thing, my filter doesn't work the same way anymore. I was out to dinner with a friend of mine, Gina, and her husband.

And Gina asked me a question that every man dreads. She said, "Eric, how much do you think I weigh?" Well, a younger Eric would have avoided the question altogether or just lied and gone low and like 8 lb 6 oz. But no, I looked her up and down. I said, "I don't know, 140 lb?" SHE HIT ME. HARD. IN FACT, SO hard that if she had asked me how much she weighed after she hit me, I would have said 220. There was 140 lb just in that fist.

And I said, "Geez, Gina, was I that far off?" She said, "No, you guessed it." I said, "I want to play YOUR GAMES ANYMORE. I HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES NOW TO DRIVE. The other day I was driving and I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love oatmeal." I'm 54 years old. I laid on the horn. But it didn't say honk if you love oatmeal. It said honk if you love Oprah. Well, I didn't know this and I end up at a stoplight next to this car.

And I look over it's a 50-something year old woman and she's putting her window down. So I put 50-year-olds have crank windows. So I put my window down and she says, "I heard you honk. What's your favorite thing?" Well, she's clearly asking me about Oprah, but my mind is spinning with all the things I love about oatmeal. And I'm supposed to pick one? But I finally do. I look over and I say, "I love a little brown sugar." Window goes up.

Look of pure disgust. And that's when I realize my zipper is down.