Common FIRST DATE MISTAKE That Keeps People SINGLE... | Matthew Hussey transcript

last month we did a really small socially distanced event for some close fans in the town in which i reside los angeles we'll call it matthew's tiny covid delta variant show at least until i come up with a catchier name this is a clip from that show enjoy okay so a little bit of background i am a psychologist i am finishing up my phd i have had such a hard time in relationships like i feel like i know the theories i've read a lot but i just like really struggle um which part do you feel you struggle with in particular it's really hard for me to like feel close to men and um i feel like i also draw people who like share too much initially and then i get really like overwhelmed by them romantically why do you think you draw people like that i think i'm open and i think people are like oh i can tell you anything like i just feel like i can share so much right and i don't know how to like so that also brings people who are really problematic or who have a lot of trauma um and i just i'm here because i'm just like what can i do to change that and tell me a little more about the being you know because it's an interesting contrast right you saying that i people they come forward and they suffocate me with information and [ __ ] over sharing but you said you find it hard to get close to men what did you mean when you said that or or did you just mean that your reaction to the over sharing is to pull back it's to pull back but also um to um to connect to like really build on relationships to like not whenever i see something wrong i immediately like leave um i don't like to like work through things i see um yes can i say the same problem yeah i'm gonna mention it because i'm a behavior analyst and i just had a date the other day and the guy just told me his whole life story and i was like i know i'm a good listener but like and then i'm like no because if i'm like analyzing everything i'm like no why it's too much too soon and then i don't know just like you i was like oh my god am i only one i guess i'm not it's like torture it's like no i don't want to fix you stop and so needy guys and i'm like it really is yeah and i feel like almost now that i'm like i'm like finishing my phd that that almost makes men more intimidated and they're like you're a psychologist or you like do this kind of work like absolutely like i can't really i was like yeah when people were intimidating they're usually not connecting when we're sitting with someone and we're curious about them when we're impressed by them the being intimidating part tends to dissolve because someone feels like oh wow this person thinks i'm i'm impressive or they think i'm interesting or they think there's something about me and it also man or woman i'm not talking about women here man or woman it's important i believe to we tend to lead with the weapon we're most comfortable wielding right we all have our weapon of choice think for a moment everyone in this room what your favorite weapon the the sword you feel best swinging is right everyone's got it for some women it's like being ultra sexy that's this that's the sword they wield and then that person comes to me and says you know men only see me in one way and we unpack often the fact that this weapon they're wielding is a attracting a certain kind of person and b actually stopping people from seeing what else is there when people are intellectual or they've done you know they've been to to an amazing college or they've had um then that tends to be the weapon that they're most comfortable wielding so they'll often walk into situations armed up as the intellect my suspicion is that you're using the weapon that's comfortable to you which may be deep conversation yes and then when they meet you there and say okay deep conversation mode you keep asking questions because you go well at least we're talking i guess we're talking i guess we're connecting so another question another question another question and then at the end of it you go why are they telling me so much information [Laughter] but it's but it's not it's because it's not all your fault it's just that you're comfortable letting it unfold that way and what i need you to do is take a risk to lead it a different way and in dating there always has to be a a first mover of some kind right they're always there always has to be someone who just takes the like the little step in that direction like it's that first time you're you know around someone you thought was a friend and they and they tell you you look good in a way that a friend doesn't and they just reached out a little bit and then when you take a step forward you're doing the same and they get validated and they go that was nice that worked okay i'll do a little bit more i have finished entire dates where i had no idea the woman i was on a date with actually found me sexually attractive no idea i i knew she thought i was a decent human being i knew that but that's not what makes us call each other is it we don't go home to our friends and go you know i'm so excited to see this person again they are such a decent human being what gets us to call man or woman is when we have that beautiful combination of connection and chemistry we'll even call if there's just chemistry we'll [ __ ] up our lives on just chemistry but we won't do it if there's just connection it doesn't work the other way around most of us won't do it on just connection it doesn't give us that that fuel that makes us want to pick up the fire god call this person i gotta call them it doesn't make us do that i finished entire dates where i didn't know if someone found me hot not found me attractive that's different attractive isn't even quite it you know hot and then i wake up the next day and i say well that was really nice we had a good conversation but i don't know i i it didn't make me want to pick up the phone and and i was attracted to that per the reason i went on the date is because i thought they were really attractive i went because i thought they were attractive but i didn't finish with any electricity so there was nothing charging the next stage and then a day later i get a text last night was really fun i'd love to see you again and i'm like what i i've had that experience where you go were we on the same date how do you feel so you like me someone shouldn't be surprised to hear you like them that shouldn't come as like a piece of revelation oh my god she actually likes me i'm not saying you have to spend a date doting over someone that would be bad too but just a a moment a glimmer where someone realizes oh we're not friends and we're not gonna be friends that's sexy when you feel that oh i okay i get it we're not friends okay now let's keep talking now you keep talking about all the other cool stuff but there's a subtext the problem is when you're on a date and you're talking about all of that stuff but there's no subtext now you're just in conversation so biggest advice for you for anyone for all of us what's the weapon i am most comfortable wielding and how is that weapon hurting me how is it hurting me what new weapon do i want to start sharpening and bringing out even slowly in small ways but i promise you you bring out different you you just brandish a different weapon for a moment and you'll start getting different reactions and the reactions may sometimes be what you want they may not but the different reaction will give you hope because you'll be like oh that this is great because it's not the groove i was in it shows i can have an effect on the environment i can have an effect on the situation i'm not just a a passenger on a date i am someone who can actually lead the dance even if it doesn't look like i'm doing anything at all thank you great question um before you swan off into your life today doing whatever it is you do when you don't live here with me i have something you might be interested in did you know that i have a club a group of people that every month i work with not just on their love lives but on their love for life on their relationship with themselves on their relationship with life itself it is like a gym for your psychology your emotions and your confidence and it goes way deeper than we can here in a 5 or a 10 minute video and i get the chance to live coach people to answer questions to do live demonstrations if you haven't tried it yet there's a 14 day free trial so that you can join risk free and decide after a couple of sessions if you want to continue to come and join go to askmh.com and i will see you over there you