How to Restore a Broken Relationship transcript

Hello everybody. One of the most important life skills that you have to learn in life, you must learn this, is conflict resolution, how to resolve a conflict, and how to restore or reconcile a strained or broken relationship. If you don't learn this one, you're going to spend a lot of your life miserable. Because we're imperfect people, we're all different, and so we have conflict almost every day of our lives. If you run from conflict, if you try to get away from it, it's not going to work, and you're going to be miserable and unhappy much of your life.

Now, this is an important skill. You have to use how to resolve a conflict at work. You got to know how to resolve a conflict in your marriage. You got to know how to resolve a conflict if you're a parent with children, with friends, in the community, at church, in a small group, literally everywhere. Now, here's the problem. Nobody taught you how to do it. Nobody. You certainly didn't learn it from your parents. The truth is they they might not have even been a very good model of conflict resolution cuz nobody taught them.

You never had a class in school on how do you resolve conflict? How do you How do you work it out? You didn't ever take a class on how do you restore a broken relationship, and yet this is one of the most important skills to your happiness in life. But since you're here today, you picked a good week to come to church. And I highly recommend that you take notes. Because what What going to look at today are the seven steps of how to resolve a conflict and restore a broken relationship.

You may not need this now, but you are going to need it at some point in your life, so take notes. And you're going to need to pass it on to friends, to co-workers, to your own children, because nobody's teaching them how to resolve conflict, either. Now, we've been in this series all summer on the eight beatitudes of Jesus. Jesus says there are eight conditions for being blessed by God. It's the first 10 or 12 verses of the Sermon on the Mount.

And Jesus says, "If you do these eight things, you will have God's blessing on your life, on your relationships, on your finances, on your time, on your health, on all these different areas. Blessings come from these things." And when we come to Matthew chapter 5 verse 9, we come to the next to the last beatitude, and it says this, "God blesses those who are peacemakers. Peacemakers, for they, peacemakers, will be called the children of God.

The mark that you are really a child of God, the proof that you are on your way to heaven, one of the characteristics of a true believer is you're a peacemaker." Now, let me just start by telling you what peacemaking is not. You might write these down. It's not avoiding and it's not appeasing. It's not avoiding and it's not appeasing. It means some people think, "Well, I I keep peace in my marriage. I just don't rock the boat.

I sweep everything under the rug. I swallow it. I grin and bear it." That's not peacemaking. That's cowardice. That doesn't help at all. So, peacemaking is not running or avoiding uh running from the problem. It's not appeasing. Appeasing means I always give in. They always get their way. It's peace at any price. Appeasement is not peacemaking. That's called codependency. Jesus Christ never ran from a legitimate conflict.

He knew how to deal with it face-on and how to resolve it and how to restore a relationship. Now, the Bible says God blesses those who are peacemakers. Do we need peacemakers in our world today? Hello. Right now, there are five wars going on in our planet. Five. International wars. I don't know the last time we had five of them going on at the same time. That doesn't count all the internal strife going on within nations.

It doesn't count strife at the border of our own nation. It doesn't count all of the conflict going on between the sexes, conflict going on between generations, conflict going on between races, between religions, between political parties. It doesn't count all of the conflict going on in cultures, between rich and poor, between educated and uneducated, men and women, and on and on and on. We definitely need this message, not just in the world, but in our own personal lives.

Now, what I want to do this weekend is teach you what you've never been taught before in school or anywhere else. And that is the seven steps according to God for resolving a conflict and restoring a broken relationship. That didn't mean you get back with your ex. It means that you bury the hatchet. It means you make peace. That there's no longer resentment there. Now, before we go into these steps, I want to just quickly mention three reasons why this ought to matter to you.

Because you don't realize how much unresolved conflict messes up your life. Some of you have been in a conflict with somebody for weeks or months or years or even decades. And you just said, "Well, I'm just going to let it slide. I've been out of out of fellowship with my dad since who knows when." Or my mom or my brother or my sister. And you just let it slide not realizing the damage it actually does to your life. The Bible says that when you don't resolve a conflict, when you just let it lay out there, pretend like it's not happening, you try to get on with your life without ending that conflict, three things happen.

Write these down. Number one, the first co- uh problem with unresolved conflict, it blocks my fellowship with God. It blocks my fellowship with God. You cannot be right with God and wrong with other people. The horizontal and vertical relationships in your life come together at an intersection. And God says, "I can't be right with God and wrong with you." What? That's exactly what he says. God says that I can't claim to be close to God if I'm distant from somebody in my life that I've got a conflict with.

It is an amazing thing. Now, the Bible says this in 1 John chapter 4 verse 20. It's up here on the screen. You can't love God whom you've never seen if you don't love the people you do see. To claim that you love God while hating others makes you a liar. That's pretty clear. He's saying, "I can't say me and God, we're like this when you and me are like this." Standoff in conflict with each other. Number two, it not only blocks my fellowship with God, it blocks my prayers.

It keeps my prayers from being answered. Did you know that when you're out of whack in relationships, the Bible says God cannot hear your prayers. They are connected together. Why? Because God is love, and the number one thing God wants you to learn on this planet while you're here is to learn how to love. And if you're in conflict with people, you certainly aren't loving them at that moment. Now guys, let me just point out something that's a little scary for those of us who are husbands.

Look at this verse on the screen. First Peter chapter 3 verse 7. Husbands, be considerate of your wives and treat them with respect so that nothing hinders your prayers. Are you telling me, Rick, that if I'm out of fellowship with my wife and I'm not treating her with respect, God is not hearing my prayers? That's exactly what I'm telling you. Because that's what the Bible says. There is a connection between the horizontal and vertical relationships.

Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. There's a third reason why you need to resolve conflict is because it blocks my happiness. Now you know this in personal experience. You can be the most famous and wealthiest celebrity on the planet, and if your relationships stink, life stinks. You can accomplish all kinds of things and get your picture on the cover of Time magazine and be awarded all kinds of awards for your accomplishments, but if your marriage isn't working or you're out of harmony with your kids or you don't really have any close friends or you're out of fellowship with your own family, it doesn't matter how much money you make.

You know you can go on a family vacation to Bora Bora, Tahiti, and if you have a bunch of arguments there, it doesn't matter how beautiful it is. It's not a happy time. It's just not happy. Now, the Bible says this in James chapter 3 verse 18. Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness. I want God's goodness in your life. How do you do that? You plant seeds of peace. We're going to look at the seven seeds of peace that you can plant.

Now, this is the law of sowing and reaping or planting and harvesting. It's one of the universal laws in all of the universe. God designed the universe that what you sow, you reap. Now, this is true for good or bad. If you sow gossip, people are going to gossip about you. If you sow anger in your children, they're going to be angry at you. If you sow bitterness, you're going to get bitterness back. If you sow resentment, you get resentment back.

Works good either way. If you're generous with people, people will be generous with you. If you're kind with people, people will be kind to you. If you're generous with praise, people will be generous with praise. But, here's the interesting thing about sowing and reaping. You don't get back exactly what you put out. You get back more of the same. If you plant one kernel of corn, you don't get one kernel of corn back.

You get a stalk with thousands of kernels of corn. If you plant one tomato seed, you don't get one tomato seed back. You get dozens of tomatoes and thousands of seeds. So, whatever you plant, if you plant conflict, you're going to reap more conflict than you can imagine. And if you plant jealousy, you'll get that back. On the other hand, if you learn how to plant seeds of peace, which I'm going to teach you how to do today, your life's going to be a lot of peace.

Today, I've got a quick note from a listener in Minneapolis. His name is Bill. [music] And Bill wrote to me, "Rick, I want to let you know that I prayed with you this morning accepting God into my life. Wow, that's great. Daily Hope has become the way that I start each day >> [music] >> listening to your podcast. So much has changed in my life over the past year. I had a job loss, I had a transition, I had a divorce, [music] my dad passed away, cancer, and my faith all in the same year.

I'm so thankful for all that you do. [music] Well, Bill, I want to tell you I know you've been going through some really tough times this past year, but there's no greater news than hearing that you've accepted [music] Jesus into your life and the fact that God used the Daily Hope podcast >> [music] >> to lead you to him is such a blessing. I want you to know that as you continue to study God's word every day, uh you're going to find that your faith is growing and you'll see God actively working [music] in your life.

And I I really am as excited to think about what the next year is going to bring. Year two in your life [music] will be very different than the last year. And to the rest of you, all of our Daily Hope listeners, I just want to thank you because we're able to provide the Daily Hope podcast to people like Bill because [music] of your generous support. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for helping us share [music] the good news all around the world.

We love you and imagine what it's going to be to get to heaven [music] and see all these people who came to know Christ because of your giving. God bless you. >> You can join us in bringing hope to others. Just scan the QR code or go to dailyhopetv.com. >> Okay, let's look at these seven steps to resolving conflict and you can use this in any area of your life. Number one, you want to be a peacemaker, make the first move.

You make the first move. You don't wait on somebody else. You take the initiative. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well, you know, it's all their fault." And when they come to me, then I'll be glad to face the conflict and and deal with it. No, God says he expects you to make the first step. That's what's called being a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper, but a peacemaker. Now, listen. God says reconciliation in your relationships, having harmony in your relationships, is so important.

God says it's more important than worship. It's more important than you coming to church. Now, don't everybody leave at once. But if you've got somebody that you're out of whack with right now, there's something more important than actually you listening to me. Here's what Jesus said in Matthew chapter 5 verse 23. This is still in the Sermon on the Mount. Verse 23 and 24. If you're standing before the altar in the temple, and you're giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember somebody has something against you, it doesn't matter if you got something against them or they got something against you, you leave your offering there beside the altar, go at once and first be reconciled.

Circle the phrase first be reconciled. That's to be the top priority in your life. First be reconciled to that person, then come and offer your gift to God. Now, this is Jesus talking. Now, again, you have some relationship conflicts in your life that have gone on for months or years or longer. God says, "Don't do that." You don't realize how much it's hurting you spiritually. It doesn't matter whether you are the offended person or you are the offender or it's a little of both, God says, "You make the first move.

It's always your move." Now, I have to admit, early in my marriage, I didn't get this. I didn't understand it. I ran from conflict all the time. I never did one. I was There was a guy in the in the musical Oliver called the Artful Dodger. That was me. And Kay would throw an issue at me and I'd duck and I'd dodge and she'd throw another issue and I'd duck and dodge cuz I did not want to get into any kind of conflict. You know, in every marriage, there are skunks and there are turtles.

Skunks, when they get upset, they stink the place up. When you're If you're a skunk, you let everybody know when you're unhappy. Turtles, on the other hand, pull into a shell and hide when there is conflict. Now, skunks always marry turtles. Always. So, I'm not telling you which one's which in your marriage, but one of you's the skunk and one of you's the turtle. And it's a hiding and hurling. That's what we do together.

Conflict is never resolved accidentally. It just doesn't happen. It's always intentional. You got to make the move. Uh it it Conflict never resolves itself. Now, you've heard the expression, "Time heals all things." That's a bunch of baloney. That's not true. Time heals nothing. If you've got cancer, you say, "Well, I think I'll just wait for it to get better." It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. If you get shot in the side and you're bleeding to death, you think, "All right, time heals everything.

I think I'll just wait this one out." No, when you have a wound, it gets worse. It festers. It gets It gets infected. Time has never healed anything in your life. It only makes it worse. And if you hold on to resentment and bitterness, it doesn't get better, it gets worse over the years and you get more hardened and your heart gets harder and hard. If time healed everything, you'd never need to go to a doctor, you could just go sit in the waiting room.

You say, "Well, you know, I don't need to see the doctor. I'll be here 12 hours and my flu will be gone." Or my back back will automatically heals it heals itself. Time heals nothing. And the more you put it off, the worse the problem gets. Now, the I want you to write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. Write that down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. You can't go around it, over it, underneath it, behind it.

You've got to go through it and I'm going to teach you how to do this with the minimal amount of pain. You have to make the decision, I'm going to resolve the issue. Now, what causes us to postpone and procrastinate over issues that we know when we're out of whack with somebody at work or at home or in our family, whatever. Well, the answer is one word. It is fear. Fear. We're always afraid of conflict. I've seen very masculine, manly Marines who would die on a battlefield shrink in terror when their wife says four words, "We need to talk." Those four words put the fear of God in every human male.

We need to talk because people don't like conflict. Now, this fear of conflict is as old as the first couple, Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they got out of fellowship with God, they were out of whack with him and here's what the Bible says in Genesis 3. Adam said to God, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and so I hid." Now, notice, he says I'm afraid because I was naked. What is he talking about?

I feel vulnerable. I feel exposed. I'm not covered up. So, I was afraid and I hid. And men have been hiding from women and women have been hiding from men ever since. In relationships, we hide and we hurl and we're afraid. What is it that we're afraid of? We're afraid of vulnerability. We're afraid of being exposed. And that does three things. It makes you distant, it makes you demanding, and it makes you defensive. First, when you're afraid in a relationship, you get defensive.

And somebody brings something up and then you get defensive about it. And you're afraid to reveal your true self. And you get distant. And what happens is we withdraw and we hide. And we build walls. We become distant. And then we become demanding. The more insecure you are, the more you try to control things in your life. And the most controlling people are the most insecure people. And the more insecure you are in a relationship, the more demanding and defensive and distant you can become because you don't want anybody to get close to you.

Some people think I I've talked to some singles adults who think, you know, the worst thing in my life is that I didn't get married. No, that is not the worst thing in your life. A far worse thing would be to get married and then live in emotional distance from the person you're married to the rest of your life. And we see it all the time. When the very person you're supposed to be one with, you're caring, sharing, holding back secrets from, and you can't reveal the the true you and you've been married to him for 20 years and you still can't be honest, can't be open, can't be vulnerable, that was what fear does.

Fear keeps us from connecting at a deep level. What is it that I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of your rejection. I'm afraid you're going to misunderstand me. I'm afraid that I might say something in a conflict that you're going to come back and use against me later on. And it keeps us from disconnecting at a real level. Why am I afraid to tell you what I'm really feeling about this problem? Because if I all I'm all I've got and you don't like me, that's that's it.

Where do you find the courage to make the first move? You keep waiting on somebody else to resolve the conflict. They're waiting on you. And peacemakers take the initiative. Where do you get the courage to deal with your dad or your mom or your brother or your sister or a child or your husband or your wife or an ex or something? Where do you get that courage? There's only one place. The Holy Spirit. God's Holy Spirit, the spirit of God's love.

The Bible says there is no fear in love. Now, God is love. If you get full of God, the fear is going to go. What motivates a normally rational person to run into a burning building? Because they know a baby's in there and the fear is overcome by their love for that child. We never change until our love exceeds our fear. We never change until the pain exceeds our fear. And so, the starting point is to say, "God, I need you to fill me with your love cuz perfect love casts out all fear." The Bible says this in 2 Timothy 1:7, here on the screen.

It says, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline." So, everything I'm going to teach you today, the steps and they're very practical steps, cannot be done unless you get filled with God's love cuz it is the love of God that's going to eliminate the fear and then you have the courage to make the first step. How do you get that love? You ask God for it. So, here's the second step.

Ask God for wisdom. You've made the decision, okay, I'm not going to let this thing go anymore. I'm not going to let it fester. I'm going to deal with this conflict that's been under the surface for so many years or months, and I'm going to ask God for wisdom. The Bible says in James chapter 1 that if we ask God for wisdom, God will give it to us. James 1:5. If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you.

So, the first thing you do is you make decision. I'm not going to go along with this unresolved anymore. I don't want to be out of fellowship with God. I don't want my prayers unanswered. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be miserable. So, I'm going to take the first step. I'm not going to wait on them. And then I'm going to say, "God, I really need your help. I need you to fill me with love cuz I'm scared to death.

And God, I know I don't know what to say. I don't know when to say it. I don't know where to say it. I don't know what's the best time. You plan a peace conference. And you find a time when it's good for them, not when you're tired. By the way, never have conflict resolution while you're in bed. Save that for other things. In bed, if you start having a conflict, about half the time you go through you start to get to major point, you're going to hear >> [snorts] >> And that kind of ruins it.

So, don't use the bedroom for your conflict area. But you get where you're alone, where you're not in a public spot, where people can be real, and you say, "Okay, God, what do you want me to say? Where do I say it? When's the right time to say it?" And you ask God for help. So, God, I don't I don't want to be out of whack with you. I don't want to be out I don't want to be out uh have my prayers unanswered. So, I want to deal with this issue.

Now, I'm sure that even as I've just started talking to you about this, you're already thinking about somebody in your life that you know there's a strain in that relationship. It's likely somebody in your family or in your marriage, parents, kids or maybe somebody at work. So, I want to stop right here and as your pastor who loves you, I want to pray that God will give you the courage to take the next steps we're about to do.

Okay? Let's bow our heads. Father, you know that we're all scared to death of conflict. Nobody who's rational likes it. And yet you have said that it's more important than worship that we actually go get something right with somebody that we're out of harmony with. And Lord, we know you're not saying go back and and you know, rebuild a re- re- remarry a an ex or whatever. You're You're just saying bury the hatchet, make peace, bring harmony.

And I pray that you would give my people, the people here in our church, the courage to reconcile, the courage to deal with tough issues that have been pushed under the carpet and swept into the corner and pretended like they were not happening. Lord, help us to face what we're pretending not to know. Help us to be real and help us to have integrity. And God, give us the right place, the right time, and the right thing to say and help us to come with the right attitude ready to reconcile.

In your name I pray. Amen. >> Mhm.