#1 Question to Ask Yourself Every Time You Meet Someone New transcript

I want to talk about a subtle but profound thing that people who successfully find love do that other people don't and by doing this it allows them to find the right kind of person far earlier where other people keep running into the wrong kinds of people if you're new to the channel welcome I'm Matthew hussy I've been doing this for 17 years helping people find love through increased confidence and relational intelligence I'm the auth of the New York Times bestselling book love life for those of you that don't know and for anyone who wants to join me in one of my events you just missed one but there's good news we have a replay of it it happened on the 22nd of October it was all about how to go from casual to committed in a relationship so if you want a long-term relationship check this out the replay is only available for a few more days go to loveif replay. comom to watch it right now okay so the subject of today's video came out of a live I did on social media this week where someone asked me this question an acquaintance of a few years has been texting me every day for weeks and when I tried to ask him out a week ago he said no and that he's dating someone he continues texting every day what to do have you ever been in a situation like this that you find confusing where you're wondering what to do why is someone behaving like this how can I get their attention how do I get them to actually go out with me if it seems to be stalling in this way do you have a situation right now in your life that you're finding confusing and are trying to work out what to do next all of those questions are the wrong question what I know about the woman asking this question is that she is ignoring something fundament mental there's an implicit why is he doing this in her question there's an implicit what do I do now what do I text him back and there's also kind of an implicit how do I get him to actually go on a date with me but while her focus is clearly being monopolized by all of these things there is something she is not focused on and it's the most important thing there is when it comes to choosing a partner for our love life his character and his lack of character is being revealed in the way that he is dealing with her this is a man that was texting her when he was dating someone clearly seriously enough to say no to a date and then when she asked him on a date because she was reading his signals as him being interested he said no because I'm dating someone and then even after being very clear that he's dating someone and therefore can't go out with her he continues to text her every day how does this make the character of a person who is good to date it clearly doesn't make him good to date for the person he's dating a person who I can almost guarantee doesn't know that he is texting his acquaintance every day despite the fact that that acquaintance clearly asked him out and has romantic feelings for him if she was connected to the ways that his character wasn't living up to the character of the person she'd want to share her life with she wouldn't be asking me a question about this man in the first place but she is by no means on her own in asking this kind of question in fact it's incredibly common for me to field questions like this why is that it's because for so many of us we are not taking culture seriously what do I mean by culture the culture we create in our lives is really an external representation of an internal value system we develop and cultivate a culture in life by the choices we make and the people we let close to us and Surround ourselves with and creating the right culture takes discipline precisely because we have to make hard choices that may involve saying no to people who feel attractive interesting or like they're giving us some kind of short-term seductive reward but don't actually live up to the values that we we hold dear when I was a teenager many people don't know this about me but I used to be a DJ and I djed for about 10 years so I was playing out one night and there was a group of older guys I was a kid right orbe it a kid that was sort of dressed up you know in gold chains and whatnot I was doing the whole look with a hat and everything and I was a late bloomer so I was also quite small at that time so this group of guys came over to me and was sort of hovering around around me close to the DJ stand and at first it was intimidating cuz I was like what's this group of guys all doing standing beside me the whole time I'm DJing but then one of them a sort of David I feel like we can throw up some sort of Jason stames image you know like that kind of character sort of Lent over and said you're all right boy got some skills there ain't you good DJ yeah listen we got a pirate radio station and uh I'd love to get you on there be a big opportunity and when I said to him I mean that sounds really exciting like wow that sounds like a like that sounds fun I was just giddy as a teenager he was like see I knew you I knew you'd love the opportunity sharp was attack you areen you this was someone by the way that simultaneously I felt so excited to say yes to and felt it would be a bad idea to say no to but I skipped home I remember going back and talking to my dad about it and going this this group of guys came over to me they've invited me to go and have my own slot on this Pirate Radio Station it's a really big deal I knew the station I was already a fan of the station but the further away I got from that conversation with Jason Stam the more I the more I came to realize that this wasn't a crowd that I necessarily wanted to be around that there was something about the value system of this group of people that my intuition picked up on that wouldn't be good for me James Hollis has a question a question I was turned on to by Oliver burkeman who wrote the new book meditation for Mortals great episode with him coming out on the podcast by the way he has a question that goes like this will this opportunity diminish or enlarge me and obviously as a teenager I wasn't asking myself that specific question but on a visceral intuitive level I had this sense of this isn't going to be good for me this isn't going to bring me into contact with the kinds of people that will enlarge me that this has the potential to diminish me or even immerse me in a culture that I don't want to exist in my point in all of this is that throughout our lives culture is actually one of the hardest things to cultivate it takes real effort it takes real energy and it often requires us to say no to things that our ego wants to grab the way I see culture is that if we keep feeding the right culture if we keep paying attention to that in inition if we keep paying attention to people's character to people whose values reflect our highest values and people who don't seem to have those values and we make decisions on that basis our life will get better and better over time sometimes it feels like in the short term we're taking a step backwards just in the case of this person whose question I answered on the live I know that my answer to her meant that in the short term she would stop texting someone that she had come to enjoy texting even though it wasn't ultimately satisfying to her there was some kind of reward it was giving her on a daily basis so it doesn't often feel good to stand behind the culture we want to create but long term our entire world becomes a real tangible reflection of the values we hold dear and the people in our lives from the person we choose to spend our life with romantically to our friends to our colleagues or the people we hire if we have a business everyone will end up being a reflection of your culture a culture that your life is evidence of you taking seriously have you ever had a friend or someone you know who has introduced you to different people and every new person they introduce you to makes you realize more and more that this person just surrounds themselves with amazing people kind people interesting people lovely compassionate warm people have you ever felt that I know I have what you know is that that person takes the culture of their life seriously and then from the outside you end up going man how is it everyone you know is so lovely it's because they've cultivated that over time the people in life who not only find love but find it with people who make them happy in relationships that last take culture seriously they are disciplined and willing to be ruthless and do the hard things when it comes to saying no to people who may feel sexy and exciting or rewarding in the short term in favor of waiting for someone or proactively searching for someone who actually represents the values they care about and that doesn't just take effort and discipline it takes guts it takes guts to say no to the opportunity that in front of you resting only on some kind of faith that at some point someone better someone with more characters someone more in line with the way you are will come along but I believe that if we can create space in our lives that faith gets rewarded but the right person can never come in if we never create that space love needs space to this day one of the greatest compliments I ever received about my relationship my marriage to or is that along the way the people that knew me the best and the people that cared about me the most when they met Audrey said it makes sense it makes so much sense why you chose Audrey and why you two are together even to the extent by the way that the people that know me best in my audience one of the loveliest things is how many of you listen to Audrey on the podcast and then emailed us and said oh my God I mean it just makes complete sense that's because me and Audrey have the same culture and sometimes you have to wait a little longer to find that person who fits with your culture and you have to say no a little more and when nothing's happening in your love life in the short term that can feel like a thankless task it can feel like a thankless thing to have to do to keep saying no when it doesn't feel like there are any other opportunities around that's what makes it brave but the rewards for being brave are profound for those of you that want to be brave in your love life and want to find not just a relationship but a relationship that lasts because the person you find fits with your culture go over to lli replay. because the entire session that I did on October the 22nd live with thousands of people was really at its deepest level about finding someone whose character fits with the culture of your character your life and when you find someone like that those are the relationships that Go the Distance so come join me if you're sick and tired of coming up against the wrong culture in dating and the wrong people but you want to find the right one and know how to bring an energy that creates more commitment come join us I look forward to seeing you there and thank you as always for watching this video I look forward to reading your comments [Music]