Personal Practices to Grow Up - Processing Emotions and Self-Medicating transcript

but yeah he he did uh there's this other guy whose name is Greg Enriquez and um he's like a psychologist philosopher and he has this big his like big project or one of his big projects is like this macro system to bring psychology as a practice in like sort of organize it as a field so I mean it enormous thinking and he's a clinical psychologist so he's been working with people his whole career and he developed this sort of framework for doing a psychological Health assessment um in the same way that you go to a doctor and they run through like what's happening in your body um he is he has uh been practicing this thing where they just do a rundown on like you know uh what's happening in your life what's your money situation what's your interpersonal situation all of these kinds of things didn't we talk about doing this to each other um maybe so uh Layman Pascal is like okay do it to give me the thing and then they recorded it for like two hours and they go into every pocket of his life uh and he's fine with it because you know he's like pretty open but one of the things that that he does substance wise is he drinks whiskey I think all day just sips it's just whiskey and that's it depth whatever it that's his base State and it works for him so it was interesting what do you drink yeah I was thinking of uh probably switching to Whiskey uh I don't know for whatever reason IPA type of beer always bring me back to the good times of my life so whenever the first the first sip kind of brings you back to some very nice uh mindset uh then I will switch to Jin but beer is so heavy so you can't do more than a bottle or two uh then you just go but whiskey would have been nice actually the issue with gin is that you always need to mix it with tonic and a tonic becomes an issue so and a nice perhaps but whiskey again just drink it without yeah do you get drunk or like what are you what is your what's your practice are you just are you trying to get distance from something inside you and like the alcohol is helping helping do that or is it something else I think I'm just very much incapable of um managing emotions so I usually ignore them until they kind of caught up to me um so drinking I don't get drunk um I never got drunk to a point that I need to kind of vomit um but I do drink a lot when I drink I used to have a limit of let's say if I just drink one type of alcohol I could drink um two thirds of a bottle without an issue but if I switch then I would notice it nowadays I don't notice so I don't have that limit even anymore so I can go on drinking for a long time but then the next day I might not remember everything but I would just talk well nobody would even know if I've been drinking or not yeah that's uh yeah but uh no for the past few days just been a couple of let's say like six cocktails daily it's just so fascinating um so can you tap into the emotion then like what it blows up um what do you can't how do you emote it then how do you get it out like how do you process it or like feel it yeah I wish you I had a very sophisticated civilized answer for that but uh uh it kind of um um let's see so last Saturday um but it's probably the two weeks ago without my worst um Friday Saturday um I think I just started crying um in public without drinking so I haven't even started drinking yet you're just getting worse yeah um so that was interesting um what's up and the next day I felt better I think I could finally relax yeah I could finally just let go of um I was yeah I was in a safe space I was at a bar but um um I'm comfortable there uh probably says a lot about me being the safe Zone being important but it's like an outdoor private space uh not many people around and I feel comfortable there and um um and yeah um I mean thoughts come come to mind and then um in the beginning you're kind of not sure about what you're sad about um but then it suddenly becomes very overwhelming then the next day you feel like you can manage things you start planning um I'm gonna do these things daily meditate blah blah yeah I feel refreshed then I kind of uh as soon as I start doing things in that nope not not sure not not good yet um and then um I like that I like the therapist um I think I had a session with him after two weeks or one week Break um on uh on Tuesday and I go I have a plan I'm gonna get a calendar I just got a calendar put it on the wall I'm gonna for 21 straight days I'm gonna be very mindful about my thought um my thought processes so as soon as I see going off track um I will kind of practice awareness and then bring it back to present and then slowly I can find my way out of this um sorry yeah that that could be a good method uh what do you think is uh is the main issue and I'm kind of saying um Visa is becoming a big problem and the the bank situations are becoming a bigger problem uh angle is probably you should um he can say like that but you should probably get to those first uh and then do all of these practices that you do which is a sort of a yeah not avoidance but I think they said something else technique am I fine um I started putting those in motion uh taking small steps towards it then uh then uh yeah slowly getting back to coffee and then slowly waking up earlier doing some early work to get some quick wins and uh slowly coming back to work yeah you're you're balancing in a massive amount of responsibility that sounds like and in addition to the emotional like I don't I guess responsibility or like whatever you have a relationship with yourself that you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself so you're doing that and that's like a big job and then you have another job like where you have to make money so doing those two I mean that's a lot from what you're saying like I feel emotional right now because I'm tapping into what you're talking about and like the Visa stuff and the bank stuff like that's foundational [ __ ] and you've had issues with this like you have history and you've got I don't know like I don't know if you've used the term PTSD but you've got [ __ ] from your pet I mean yeah it's like it's [ __ ] traumatic so sure good on you for taking care of yourself like you're you're doing you're doing your thing you're figuring out how it works for you at least right now that practice will evolve but like you're doing the work that's cool yeah and you kind of when you go I'm not rock bottom but if I would be Rock Bottom uh if I reach there I would find it much more freeing than where I'm currently at um yeah it's in between situations I [ __ ] hate I know I know where you're at I don't have the same like situation exactly but yeah just being stuck it's like it's like limbo it's like being in purgatory or something you're not in Hell or Heaven like I mean that's a very Christian thing but you're stuck um yeah and like the exact thing you're talking about where you have like thought cycles and things like that um I used to drink to alleviate that for sure but it wasn't like slow and steady mine I was binge drinking like multiple times a week um yeah I remember I had a in college I had a coffee shop job and you'd have to get up in the morning and sometimes I'd be hungover from drinking the night before and I remember talking with co-workers um they were saying they're like you're like a totally different person when you're hungover I was like yeah there's no thoughts in my head I was like I feel [ __ ] feel like good like I'm physically like not good but I don't care because I like I feel normal like I can pay attention to things in the world like the way light shines and the way like things look like in nature and patterns of people moving through the coffee shop I'm not in my head because all that I've just killed a bunch of brain cells um it's not good it's not the most healthy but no no I didn't I mean I'm not doing that now so like again I don't that it's not necessarily the best self-care practice but that's what it was like it's self-medicating which it's okay um if it's not forever like you do what you can do yeah I mean it's uh it's modes that you switch in between but the most difficult part about this kind of realization says that um if you kind of zoom out we are very much day to day week to week and perhaps some of us are like month to month uh but whenever I have switched kind of zoomed out and go year to year I kind of realize I'm in this state um uh once a year or one and a half year or so I kind of return to this place which is a lack of growth in certain areas of my life yeah um yeah which is a like those are a bit difficult to let them sink in because you you thought you walked around and done a lot of things and you thought you've overcome it yep uh but they always you find yourself in the same position years later um I've also freaked out about that because I get upset where I'm like I thought I already learned this lesson I thought I would never have to do this again and then I like I I will beat myself up over it I've gotten better but like I get frustrated because and I also do a thing where I'm like I don't want to be here and I start like thrashing because I mean like I'm fighting myself I'm fighting something in me and sometimes I don't know what it is which makes it even worse because I'm just like I don't want to do this anymore though like how do we how do we get away from this but you don't even know what this is so then it just yeah it feels hopeless in the moment um yeah but uh I was talking to a to a friend about this um they go are you are you depressed or are you burned out or like what is this I'm like I've never ever identified myself as a depressed person because I've never had that kind of um uh hopelessness um mine for me always tomorrow is bright that never changed but for me it's the frustration of sometimes not feeling as well as I want to feel in the current um but I always know that you know in the future things will be better but over the past couple of months things been difficult um and I can catch up on you what's burned out and what's depression um somewhere interesting um burnout most likely you've been uh doing too much of a work that you don't enjoy doing for way too long for whatever reward and that reward wasn't big enough for you to kind of get that kick at the end of The Thing and then depression is probably your uh burnout from living the life that you currently live and I'm not you know burned out from that life this rather I get into a certain thought patterns that I need to mindfully um come out of yeah I've had like for me I don't I came up with this I think in Oakland where depression felt like being stuck in the past and anxiety felt like being stuck in the future so for me it was like trying to find ways to because I would get depressed with the the cyclical stuff when I'd start seeing things that patterns from my past that are coming back and I thought I didn't have them anymore and then I it is like a younger part of myself or something that is like trying to grow up like you said and that would kind of depress me like I need to slow down I need to take care of that part and going back into my past um yeah and if you hang out too long there it can be depressing um you've got to pull that part of you forward in any way you can even if it's I don't know telling it I'm not ready right now to help you grow up I'll come back later but yeah yeah the some of the depression stuff that I've experienced in relation to burnout it's like a if you've been operating at like a high level of stress um and some people like you and me and us uh like can do this for a while it's also it's it's like fairly comfortable even like um feeling at a high level of intensity um and you can potentially stay in that state longer than you is healthy effectively and at a certain point like I think the body is just like yeah [ __ ] you we're done why are you staying in that state like what's that state I mean I think that that's idiosyncratic I mean but it might be it you know it is an altered state and and within there there is a uh uh there are things that that like in that level of intensity require attention and so if you keep yourself occupied spinning yeah uh then the other stuff can get back burner but there's debt spiritual debt psychological debt whatever it is and you can be piecemealing working with that stuff like if you have practices within the high stress environment to work with it but if you have a tendency to bottle it up yeah yeah or like move towards this higher degrees of stress because you can stay in that state um at a certain point like the depression is just like your energy reserves drop and so yeah you you can't like in some people they're they're low point is like you can't get out of bed yeah like uh I've been there um because my my natural low point is used to be extremely low yeah like just the the thing that you were talking about like [ __ ] all hope is gone like um I've only been there like a couple times but [ __ ] that place uh and it's because for years I just kept adding and at a certain point it's just like well you need to understand what nothing feels like um you know and so you know I couldn't I couldn't I'm just in the process now of like re-adding slowly things you know in my life and and if I like hit a high level of stress I mean going being on the road for a year and a half or whatever is like a constant stress inducement like every couple weeks or every month we're leaving again and like everything gets shuffled and and like we maintained work while doing this or whatever and I you know it's exposure therapy because like it's expenses of this but um yeah anyways I'm getting walloped right now because we're not doing that anymore so the the shift is like [ __ ] me up well it's also a depression thing it's slowing things down like depression I think serves a function in like psychologically it's telling you like you need to slow down because there's something like something's changing some something you need to take notice of or there's something that in order to see or feel like it's something's trying to present itself or reveal and you have to slow down to see it but there's like a an immense amount of pain usually associated with that psychological pain like emotional [ __ ] to deal with um I'm this I'm similar to you Farzad I have a hard time with the the felt sense of that stuff it's terrifying to me like I don't I'm just like I don't know what to do with it I don't know and like I have not been great at finding ways to process it so I have a huge debt of it to use the term you just used um so when it comes out it feels like this like dark Inky like kind of like the Spirited Away like monster I don't know if you're familiar with that I'll send you an image um it just feels insatiable like and it feels dark too and I I don't know it's kind of scary because I'm like what is that I don't understand how to experience that thing um I don't know I feel like I've gotten better at it but I don't know why we have been triggering the [ __ ] out of that stuff like yeah that's the thing you're just poking at it and then like processing it like how have I decided like I've I've made a shift in how I process these things like I've made an agreement with myself I mean definitely like the the concept of ecology of practices like I have to have movement practice like yoga and walking yeah and and journaling for sure different styles of journaling um like writing for me is cathartic and like a form like I'm I'm not doodling right now I'm taking notes but part of that is just processing what's coming out of my brain in a different way like getting it out um but then also on top of that yeah I just I mean I opened up like a research project on kind of I don't know the whole like did we talk about inner mother like this thing came up like psychologically like having a part of myself inside of me that is holding the space for me to be a child and feel scared and afraid but I have to do it for myself because I need to be able to I mean I I obviously rely on friends and Dave but there's a part of me that needs to know that I can soothe myself just enough to be able to talk about it and not be hysterical um anyway yeah I mean I think that how you get to that kind of thing well so the the daily movement practice thing um like uh Kundalini for you and or some that range of things and then like the Qigong for me basically it's like I I intentionally I wake up I do a bunch of writing like get that out like whatever is in there um to the degree that I can and sometimes that what I found is the best way to to get at the stuff that is out it's like past analytics it's it's poetry effectively like I and not not poetry in the sense that that I'm like trying to express something with lyrical it's just like I am feeling this and the grammar doesn't matter and the [ __ ] I'm just writing down what I'm feeling um and that comes out poetically because it's musical usually like it's because that's how I tap into it um whether or not anybody else could read it but it doesn't matter I go read it and like it is massively relieving uh later and it tends to be the stuff that is most honest um do you Delight in looking at it it's extremely potent so what is it I find that sometimes looking back at that stuff it makes me even if it's dark I'm there's this like happiness that I have that in me and I've been able to express it like that there's a part of me that I don't know that it's I don't believe when I have distance from the thing yeah yeah yeah so later I Delight in the honesty of it yes um that because it's it is Artful in that sense and but I know also like okay so to be in that state like a lot of it comes when I'm just like in so much pain that like I don't know what else to do yeah and so I started doing the thing that makes sense which is writing down what I'm feeling um and then so and I had that practice like comes and goes like because that vulnerable state is like it is hard it's art right so like you know it it's it's hard to stabilize that thing and when we're moving all the time like and I don't want to trigger it to tap into that stuff yeah because that's not what I'm trying to do I'm trying to give myself a way to to communicate so anyways it's complicated it's still in there um but the the movement practice the Qigong in particular like the the first part of a lot of the practices it like breaked up in it it's broken up into like sort of three segments is purging and so you're doing these like repetitive movements that like bring energy up and then um with bringing the energy up and doing this stuff like those thoughts that that are coming through that are potentially potent or negative or or whatever or excited and bright and positive but overwhelming um you are triggering them though like not an outside like event or or something circumstantial or you know a relationship thing and it's really intense but I'm able to like work with the intensity and be like okay you can be here right now and just over and over again it's this like so it's becoming familiar with that intensity so that it it doesn't it's less overwhelming um like and it's it's actively going in and engaging with the dark um but in a a like a narrower environment I've tried to like Kundalini practice she does these like you hold these positions and you breathe for like 10 minutes it's [ __ ] gnarly it's like very difficult it's super intense and it triggers fight or flight response so you have to work with the energy that comes up because you want to run you want to [ __ ] kill something after practicing it for I don't practice Kundalini every day because yeah sometimes it's like too intense and also it's less about the physical movements like because you do weird movements um and it is physically challenging sometimes I want more like stretchy and like I want to move in a different way um it's not flow based which Vinyasa is so sometimes that feels better because you can I had a really interesting session um before we went to Florida where I was wrestling something in my mind and I did a flow of yoga and I was able like I allowed myself to allow the thoughts to come forward even though you know I'm supposed to be in a meditative State and I'm like well this thing keeps pinging me and somehow during the process of flowing with it I got cool with the thought that like I was fighting and I just started and I'm moving with it and I'm like feel and I'm just like I can work with this like it was so like empowering it was really cool but the Kundalini stuff is for me it's like resilience training kind of like provoke yourself provoke yourself provoke yourself and learn to sit with it yeah um yeah and after doing it I don't know I mean usually it's at least once or twice a week sometimes I get into things where I'm doing it almost every day for a few weeks um like before we moved I got into that like it just helps process things but I can do like weird [ __ ] now where I'm like holding my arms out and flapping them or like holding your hands up for like you like 11 minutes like doing certain things in certain stances and I I can do it I'm just like this is insane like I it's not easy but I I can do it we're in in the past it's the part of you that says this is crazy my arms hurt right now like you can't do this and I don't know that that part either never comes or you start getting curious about what does it feel like to to hold like this what is the sensation in my muscles right now that's telling me you can't do this and then you're there's like this curiosity about what happens when I do hold it like what does it feel like um it's fascinating because there's an inner plate because most of it is mental it's not physical which is I mean in the beginning it is physical though like you're just like I mean not completely but like there's more of it's just really hard you know like I can't hold my arms up that's all it is but I don't know but the resilience you feel like you can do anything after like it's ridiculous because you're just holding your arms or doing jumping jacks or something like that um so the the training then is in service of when you are triggered or elsewhere yeah you're like oh this feels like that thing and I can get through that thing I am larger than it so rather than being overwhelmed and it is the whole environment like everywhere you look that thing is like screaming at you um the felt sense is the thing happens and you can feel you can feel a way to to be larger than it like it's it's uh that's like a mothering thing too it's just it it's a growth thing you have become larger like it still might be it might like knock you sideways or whatever but like yeah it's you can kind of get your arms around it a little bit and like I had this experience when we when we first got here like two or three days ago um and when I first get to a place like that's where I'm set off the most um we're the exact opposite too yeah we first get to a place and I'm like oh finally we can like settle in something I don't like who the [ __ ] are these people fight somebody like coming for me like uh are they gonna cast me out all the who knows whatever like all that stuff and I'm like I don't know just look you know like that used to be such an intense feeling like um it still is it's still wild um but like what I this time I felt the edges of it yeah and I'm like this thing is not all-encompassing you could I can choose to believe it yeah and uh like yeah I also have the experience where I'm like I don't have I don't feel I have enough resources to to like to shore it up and like you know uh that's I think really important I was journaling about that recently giving yourself permission when you hit something that is super potent and you're like I can't touch it right now yeah like I know what it is like like in your case like it's the Visa stuff or it's the bank stuff um emotionally I'm not ready to like get into it further than this amount I'll go deal with like the tangible parts of it the pragmatics but I'm just not ready like that's okay like telling myself that like I don't have to because sometimes I'm not ready it's just not the right time or I don't have the skills and just being able to look the thing in the eye and being like I'll take care of you later it's you know because we yeah we've got our like rats nests of like I tend to make agreements with this stuff though like I'm gonna set it down right now or I'm gonna do the I'm gonna do an Escapist thing like I'm gonna take some weed and like we're gonna we're gonna slow it down or drink or whatever it is um but the agreement is that I'm gonna pick this up so is the thing that I'm doing right now going to make it harder for me to pick it up tomorrow if yes then like like balance it right like take a little less because you're you're still in relationship with future you and so like we have to have agreements that future me is going to be like thanks for setting me up this way like you know the in the ideal case like you've done a bunch of stuff and and future you has it easy right um but that's not always possible like you can't yeah you can't like overspend in the present so that future you is stoked like yeah because it's a there's continuity here so the more that I can follow in line with the the the continuity of self over that like time spread the better things tend to work um but sometimes in the present I'm just like this is too much like [ __ ] it I'm checking out uh you know and then but I try there's always the like I don't let go of the like what is a healthier thing that we could do right now like I don't beat myself up about it like have you tried going to do a Qigong thing or going for a walk or like writing something or like listening to music or or whatever it is like you know and then or whatever making art or something like this uh like I've got a whole slew of things that I can I can give a shot and so like I try to keep myself in a state wherever possible where I'll go try one of those things because the even the the effort of trying to give myself room to express the thing is sometimes enough to give myself the room to to to like feel the whole thing through so so the the frequency of being like knocked out by the thing like the the duration goes down yeah and the the number of times that it happens goes down still shows up but but like I can work with it I can dance with it a little bit better so I don't know like right now I'm like in a I'm in a pretty like like I'm as roughed up as I've been in a while but like I'm fine generally like um I think it's good to talk about too yeah like to the extent you can because I was going through some stuff like talking about it like we are now is like with friends and then if you have a partner with your partner sure but like for some reason socializing it airing it and I found I don't have to share everything it's like figuring out what level again that I'm comfortable with um and it can be high level and most people understand because they've had some experience so it just it feels validating and then socially connected when people are like oh I under like I see what you're saying like that must be frustrating or that's hard even if it's not they don't know the whole of it I just there's a small amount of being seen and heard that feels so good like I'm like okay like I'm not the only one I'm not alone I can put it down now I can be present with these people like they're they're seeing me I think that's that's been healthy for me too so you're feeling roughed up I mean it'll likely pass in a few days but I don't know like the the initial like anxiety of like being in a new place or whatever it is will pass uh there's also like compounded like heat makes me feel insane uh and so I've been working with that like I'll like one of the things I'll do in the workout stuff is like get myself really overheated and it makes me so [ __ ] angry like because I can't think and like walking around outside here you know it's 100 degrees whatever that is in Celsius hot uh like hot enough that like we can go for like normally we would go for like an hour walk like at a decent pace and like we can talk and whatever like here you have to go really slow because you'll overheat and and it's so hot that you can't really think and this for whatever reason like you have to be slow here like because you go fast you overheat then Everything feels like [ __ ] then you can't cool down all this stuff um but just like a constant like patience inducer uh and then before I would just push through it and just get hot [ __ ] pissed and like then be like why the hell is it like this and I hate this place and none of that works like um so anyways you know I'm I'm I'm testing that thing like gotta get out gotta walk gotta keep moving because like by just staying air conditioning all the time and like you know it's the thing will deteriorate and you need to be outside in the place that you live because that's part of being in the place that you live for me at least so I don't know like do you have a thing with heat isn't it hot as [ __ ] Bangkok I mean I have some weird frustrations over seemingly small stuff but yeah heat um yeah so we are building this space for complement there and there's no Erica and then there's no wind there's nothing so as soon as you enter the space and you stay there more than five minutes I stay there just get very very upset so I just want to go like that looks okay that needs to be redone blah blah and I just jump out but if they if they don't let me jump out soon enough I'll I'll get upset then and I just act like a jerk um but yeah um I mean I like how the control of it over how how you kind of engage with the thoughts are very interesting because um for me most of the terror positions is just I'm saying something and I'm stating things that's facts I'm like this is how it is this is but it's just how you feel about things the beliefs yeah yeah it which shouldn't be like if there is a belief you would be able to kind of place it wherever like position it wherever however you like it um something to the to the doctor I go um um yeah so the thought patterns is that repeatedly they're kind of the same thought comes up and then um you usually in the beginning when you're feeling a little bit off you take it as a reality like this is the way things are currently and then we need to figure this out which is a trap usually as soon as it's tried kind of figuring it out you kind of fall deeper into it or you would actually question it or even better just instantly switching to something else kind of try to pattern break your thing um which works really wonders it's on and off but if you are able to kind of um for a few days only like I've been able to do it for two days ish however that's the thought I'm thinking that all right this I'm feeling odd about certain thing or this thing feels like um either need to run or fight type of a situation repeatedly during the day and then the more you kind of reject it and then replace it with something else the more they come up yeah but then after a while the kind of wears off and then you suddenly like oh I can't smell the wind now I can smell the flowers I can smell the food I can all of the small senses come slowly back that's it which kind of gives you hope yeah because they are completely blocked for after a while of you kind of being so in your own mind yeah and I think people with PTSD or you know whatever um whatever PTSD has evolved to um it's kind of the lack of Engagement with the outside yeah which uh which are kind of over and over again tell myself during the day that whatever I'm doing just do that I'm just trying to focus on either eating because eating is becoming difficult after a while you can't process it um you've also caught up with whatever thought it is that you're trying to run away from so food becomes just food or whatever it is that you are doing right becomes a becomes a kind of a middle place that you want to quickly get over with it and continue with something else um yeah this is the maybe the dissociation stuff we were talking about before where you're not like present with the thing because you don't understand what like what you are in a relationship to it like there's I feel like we talked about this a little bit yeah the motorcycle yeah it's both the the realization and then depersonalization that kind of gets uh which is um at its core a kind of a thought pattern that you gave into the thought of what if this could actually happen to now suddenly becomes a reality every time a thought crosses your mind a million thoughts kind of crosses your mind during the day but like how uh I kind of want to rate people that are emotionally strong or emotionally intelligent uh by how much of their thoughts actually believe in good or bad to be honest because even if you're believing in this radical uh version of yourself in the future that does everything very very well that's questionable too oh yeah and then the other side as well now I'm emotionally intelligent people are the ones that have a very stable picture of themselves into the future and a realistic kind of um version of themselves in the past that matches what actually happened they're not like overthinking it making it worse than it was or better than it was better than it was good for them uh a bit worse than it was there's some amount of just not carrying any of that yeah or yeah you know you're completely living in the presence which is uh I mean as much as possible yeah it's like in you know there there is a conversation I think yeah um but that conversation is like ideally in a place of practice potentially so that that like you're you're on you know like the journaling is good for this because I'm feeling something I'm getting it down and then later I come and I look at that from an outsider more of an outsider perspective and I'm like in the past I was feeling this and then I'm like okay you're feeling this then you can set it all down and be here now because there is an area to work with that kind of thing and the more that that is being worked with the more that you can be present now because your backlog is handled right but but there there has to be time to to do that and the time to do that take like the the the purposeful time to to take care of that like on a daily basis for me uh means that I can be present more often meaning that that I'm not sliding the the best case scenario is like I notice it when I'm like with people and if I'm like pretty clear and like open like I can hear a ton more about the world because I'm not running a million processes right and like I know that that stuff is somewhere it's in journals or it's in art or it's in something like this and if I need to pick it up again it's there blankets and so like when certain types of things are pinging me this doesn't always work but like I'm like well it'll come back like it's not going anywhere right and so like uh or I just take a note and I get it out of my head and like we'll go look at that in a bit I have been for the past like month I think hyper saturated though like a lot of that room to process and do all these things I have not had for whatever reason we took on too much work or the settling thing and whatever I've noticed like a distinct like a lack of my ability to listen um it's I'm crowded right now um I've got like two weeks of Journal backlogs uh this kind of thing it it like it's noticeable and it's it's different so so you feel you don't feel in your relief with arriving to Austin because you get the coming like moving to a place triggers you or settling triggers you yeah because I feel more relieved like I felt overwhelmed and now I'm like finding a good relationship with all the things basically I have the so here's where utilizing beliefs can be to your advantage so that same mechanism that is like if you believe in what you're thinking and and these patterns of thought or whatever uh you will act in such a way that that belief sets you up right so like you've got something in your head and you're like I it can it can it can draw you down many paths right like and uh certain types of things like you know uh I come here and I'm like this place sucks and the heat is [ __ ] terrible and the mosquitoes are and I'm never gonna meet any cool people and like I'm you know gonna socially I'll okay I'm I'm trapped in that that belief system and so like uh part of it is it like uh I inherited this from my mother like she's afraid of everything and like uh I remember as a kid believing what she was afraid of because she's teaching me to be afraid of everything and then when I became a teenager I'm like I want to go see like I have to know so like then it's just like go see if it's dangerous go see if it's not if it's the way and then I learned that like oh you can go encounter it so the heat here like um the heat is overwhelming and it feels like [ __ ] and like I can't think and all those things those are all beliefs like um because there are plenty of people out here who seem fine like so yeah right and so I'm like all right go see and like it does it is uncomfortable and it does feel like crap and whatever but is there a way in here that like it doesn't can I have a relationship that's positive to this like oh I I have to change my behavior some I have to move slower I don't like to move slow but that's what you do here so this is now working with the belief system which means that then like when I'm sitting around and a negative belief shows up I can like reverse engineer it some I can play with it and I'm like okay so how do we flip that thing because like a negative belief system will push you in One Direction but like re like re-routing that energy allows you to to hack the belief system well I believe instead that like heat is great it's good for seeing you know whatever it is right so it seems I mean it seems like it comes from somewhat of a curious mindset like where you're like okay let's look at the thing it's telling me this but like maybe that's not true yeah the Curiosity gives you the Curiosity no without judgment I forget where I was looking at that I think I've been reading a lot about boundaries like your how to say no book similar to that and um mine in relationship to narcissistic characters in your life um potentially parents and people who don't know how to set boundaries so they're like in your [ __ ] more than you want them to be and you I don't know for me I learned at a young age to let people in big time and like yeah so if I have to set a boundary I'm like super judgmental against like oh you can't do that you're not allowed to do that like telling myself that but if I can put kind of check the judgment and be curious about why it's uncomfortable and then this translates to anything so starting to look at what is the discomfort how can you play with it because you can play with these things so that's that's where it starts getting interesting and fun because you're kind of like it's there's a bit of magic to this you're like oh the anxiety can also be looked at as a form of excitement and then you can sort of play like there's like a valence like a sort of setting on emotions where you're like well what if I experience in a different way what if I like put on the the outfit that instead of anxiety as a negative thing its anxiety is a positive thing because I'm excited and then it just changed you're like oh that's a shift like that kind of makes sense how can I can I play with in that field of play instead of the anxiety is fear State sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't um but getting to play with that comes from a place of not not judging like allowing yourself to be open to the possibility that it's different than how you think it is yeah beliefs are malleable so you can respond to them in a bunch of different ways like um for every mental state that you have there there are an infinite amount of response like you can you can have a million stances right um but like they're all some of them are adjacently possible some aren't like you know if you're in like a deep fear State and you're like crouched down or whatever it is just like loosening up a little might be where you're getting but like the more that it's a meta skill too the more that like you encounter these things and they don't overwhelm you the more that yeah you can tolerate I think there's levels of these things because like yeah if there's a backlog if you have a high debt and it's caught up to you and you need to take a break from work like you have to go something needs to come out yeah during those times it's harder to play with that stuff I mean practicing non-judgment is good because whatever needs to come out it needs to come out and you need to make room for it and you need to let it do what it needs to do yeah um those like are I don't know what the word is but it's like super heightened you it's harder to play with things than then you're more in uh just to channel it let it come yeah um okay I mean it's nice to to have somebody to work these things with um yeah but I tend to kind of push everything away as soon as I realize well I don't know what what's actually going on just let me first figure it out then I can communicate it um but in the therapist uh having a belief that you are some sort of a superhuman meaning you don't have the basic needs for your well-being it's just astonishing to me like simple needs that you for some reason ignore for a very long period of time thinking that that that's not much I've you know probably handled much worse in the past I can't get over it you've done you've handled those things in the past but you always came to the same conclusion that he you know catches up to you and then you're probably gonna block you from going uh further for me uh it was so difficult to kind of realize that all right this is the same thing that I've done in the past and I thought um kind of I don't know strong enough to not let these things to override all of the good things that I'm doing so they should even out at least I shouldn't feel um so drained out of energy that I need to take a break that I have um but like a very basic emotional needs that we tend to sometimes ignore for way way too long yeah because mine is probably one of one year one one one year or you know something uh so what what can you change about your relationship to those basic emotional needs like what what can you introduce or I guess subtract like how do you change like what do you I mean not happen again like for you like what comes like have you thought about that it's a eat the Frog situation always because all you have for eat the Frog yeah like you start with the with the most important thing first and then you go do all of the smallest things that you think you're getting your wins and getting up your energy working yourself up to kind of managing more difficult things in your life rather you're gonna probably feel much better much faster if you start from the other end of your list of things that we've somehow prioritize thinking I don't have enough energy or enough emotional um kind of mind space to start managing this heavy work type of tasks um so yeah that's usually for me that I put on things that are very very important on hold for way too long thinking that um the good things that I'm doing over here will override the other things but I don't and I always end up here yeah I mean that foundational stuff if you can get to it sooner and getting to it is like being able to feel into the like overwhelm that comes from having to work with that stuff like you get to work with it like it's an opportunity to give yourself space to do the other stuff well yeah uh [ __ ] I don't know where it came from but somebody asked if this is whether what he thinks of stress given out how much things it was handling and he goes stress Justice uh I don't know the exact how he put it but uh stress just the building reminder for you to know you are not doing the things that are important to you uh my mind that's so simply put true um because if anything if you were doing what you were supposed to do you wouldn't have this stress you would just feel tired and it would go to bed early or whatever get risk exercise whatever but if you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed to a degree that um is blocking you from doing the simple things in life yeah most likely you are avoiding your important things to do uh which I'm like yeah all right that's that's manageable that's not any you know this weird thing that I have in my head that I'm dealing with and all of these things are just kind of distractions that my brain kind of go you can't solve this problem that is right ahead of you let me just imagine a bunch of [ __ ] for you to to get a really drowning yeah I mean I so I've noticed this like I am never I am I am the most uh creative about coming up with uh Blockbuster projects when I'm super like stressed I'm like I got a new one this one's gonna be amazed and like and mostly like lately I've been like all right let's spin it up let's feel into it uh if only I could like set myself to doing this then all of this other [ __ ] won't matter because I'll be creating a cathedral or some crazy [ __ ] and that's something that needs to be in the world that needs me to do it and then uh so like I've got a new thing where that energy comes in and it's it's intoxicating and I'll just let it like I'll write down some stuff I'm like oh that sounds nice that's okay I'll even work it a little with the energy and I'm like let's check back in in two days and it's like no we gotta now and I'm like it's fine like go for a walk and then I come back to it and there's this huge disappointment like why aren't you doing this like we could be doing this and like rope in everybody let's do the thing and and I'm like no I don't have I I don't need that thing the world doesn't need that thing somebody else will probably do it if it's that important like and so if it persists though and it's a pattern that re-emerges or I hear it from the some other part of the world like you know a week later or somebody else's work you know then okay maybe maybe you know there's the time to do it but this has been a lot of like uh I'm still I don't know what necessarily to grab yeah but sometimes the world is just like do this one yep and I just agree it's different than manufacturing work yep like and then keeping myself busy building these like [ __ ] elaborate things or whatever uh my new thing is that like multiple people need to want to work on the thing and I can't control those people so it has to be a yes from from the world rather than like something that I bring into the world through force of will yeah um trying to work with other people on that too and they don't seem to it's harder to I mean we're this is coming up more and more lately because we're trying to focus on how we spend our time um so this is part of the thesis I think sure this is part of iterating towards something bigger too like eat the Frog first like in projects what's the smallest thing that you could do to get it going to see if there's viability to it without cooking up this big major like people entrepreneurs love this like the most complicated the biggest thing um bigger more keep adding things in and you're just like can you just do the most simple thing like how do you get it going before it becomes like top heavy and it falls over itself and then you get disappointed in yourself because that's because you couldn't lift it because then you're carrying the thing too much because it's too much more [ __ ] and like your ego is all wrapped up in it and then it's harder for other people to access it and so on and so forth yeah there was a illustration that kind of perfectly communicates um how you let yourself getting overwhelmed by all of the steps rather just by focusing on the one ahead of you and I'm like every time I look at it it feels good yeah yeah and trying to find it um yeah there's another one go ahead yeah no uh there was another one that's floating around that's like the physics of like pulling something like you and a rope and something you're trying to pull plus just add one person add three people or whatever and the curve on ease just like shoots up like so nice I've been working on like designing my relationship to projects to take that into account which is a type of of like I guess you'd call it handicapping because a lot of the kinds of things like I could sit and build these crazy handicapping as an individual but it's yeah enhancing as a group yeah it's like um I'm constantly frustrated at the speed of things at the the the like need for coordination and all this other stuff but that skill set and that like ability is like so leveraged compared to being able to do a thing by yourself um and I yeah I optimized for the by myself thing in the past um if I can do a million things right that's great but yeah I wonder is it a trust thing it's harder to trust other people no it is challenging yourself to get more distracted both I mean it's both of those things to get more distracted did you say yeah interesting for me it is like that yeah like yeah I think the challenge is part of it like can I go build this in Norman like I'm you know like coming up with an nft project or whatever and I'm like I'm gonna do it top to bottom I'm gonna do everything in the thing I'm gonna learn to code it I'm gonna learn to [ __ ] I've got mid-journey now I can build this crazy I can do art like I'll animate the whole thing I'm like what do you what why why yeah I could but like then what then I've got like and then I put it out and everyone's like you did a really good job I'm like okay who [ __ ] cares like uh like who who benefits from this like you know squirreling myself away like what what is being expressed like how is it opening up things for other people like where is where is the possibility for other people to express something that they may not have been able to express like you know it so it's a balance of forms like there's a yeah no no I think I'm I was going to do that I was on the way to do exactly that and I'm like [ __ ] I'm gonna do everything uh I don't have to see yeah um but it's yet again another distraction because you go if I can handle this which I know I can then I would be able to handle all of these other things that I think I kept sure but you kind of building your energy or you know confidence that things that you think you are good at but then you're creating this biggest challenge of all time for yourself that if I prove to myself that I'm able to do this and pull it off then I probably can't face the the things that I think I'm not capable of doing which in which facing the things that you're not doing yeah like yeah it's it's strength training for the future but it's like a uh so what it is it like is it an ignorance of reality I yeah yeah I have a thing right now and uh so my back is starting to do weird [ __ ] like I've been pretty healthy like compared to a lot of people like I haven't had like major like bodily things but it's starting to they're starting to show up and like one of them is my like lower back uh there's like a nerve thing in there and it is there's not there's probably stuff I can do about it but you know right now like I'll tweak it or like on a long walk or something and it's just this constant like hey [ __ ] you uh and like part of working with it because like it's there and I need to notice it because I usually just like move try to move away from the thing right but it's not going away now so and there is a it is a is it it is a reminder that sometimes I'm doing too much like because it'll show up and it'll tell me stop and I'm like you're fine don't worry about it and so I think yeah right and so uh well I'm like if you do this it will just hurt for a long time and you can bear it it's not a big deal like but it is irritating and it takes up mental cycles and so it's like a now it's like a little practice where I'm like where am I doing too much where can I do less like yeah you know like where can other people like do some stuff here then how can I invite them to do this because I do know like I can like one of the things that that the types of projects that I like to run they tend to be fun and they tend to to give people room to push themselves and like I've given myself that over and over and over and over again and like okay so is there a way to like expand this out into a field right and when I do this like I I notice that like my back hurts less because like I'm doing less and then I tend to do less in my physical activity because I'm trying a different tact it's still like shaky and I don't really know what I'm doing and I I you know it's it's I'm like Bambi I'm like falling all over the place like uh and it's constantly like just [ __ ] like all the time in my head I'm like just grab that finish it get it done move to the next one and I'm like we don't we don't do that like there's thousands of these things right so it's I don't know it's like a there I got to this place too with weightlifting um and my trainer was like we can get you like crazy strong I'm like why what am I gonna what am I why like I've been crazy strong that was nice it helped in the time of life that I was in like it felt good being like you know like like I can I can pick up anything who cares like now I'm like I I want to work smart I want I want to like work with what I've got here like I'm I'm probably not going to continuously improve in my strength I'm past that point plus there are plenty of other people who are [ __ ] crazy strong let them be strong like it's good for them like I would like to be nimble or adaptable or like fluid or you know these kinds of things there are other there are other like more suitable to where I'm at in life abilities so but I'm bad at all that stuff so there's a bunch of like a meta task of of being a newcomer or like a newbie an intern and everything so yeah it's interesting what things we say that it's fine oh no problem the handle it and then what things we don't say that to you know what I mean like the the things that are that we should have said no it's not fine I should man I should just be done with it go to a doctor I don't know check it out yeah what the package she is you know no I live with a great challenge let's see what else I can do while I'm trying to manage this um well uh but then it can become very overwhelming yeah crazy I mean I feel like all of this stuff is rooted in psychological things like you don't know how to deal with it for some reason so you just don't deal with it so knowing like that exact pattern like why am I saying it's okay to take on this this stress why am I allowing the priority thing to get out of whack what like just knowing that and there there is some amount of indulging that like let it let it go for a while see what happens see what you're triggering and see if you can work through it like what comes up because part of it it like I mean at least for me I'm pretty um adventurous with this kind of like growth style like I like to get myself into positions where I have to face the thing um yeah I mean every now and then it's too much like you bid off more than you can chew like in my most recent project and having it trigger a lot of things at once but then but then like also you get to work with all the things and then you get to work with how to say this isn't going to work with for me and how to leave the thing so there's like I don't know there's like a bunch of lessons in there that you can draw on but it the the meta work the stepping back and looking at it and working with all the [ __ ] that comes up with it is a whole that's another job so you have to have the space and time to do that um and then hopefully in the future then you don't have to repeat that thing again because you just intentionally looked at it and we're honest with yourself about what was going on yeah I mean it will come back but the next time it comes back you're like oh yeah we worked with this one last time let's pick it up again all right fine like this work that worked let's try this um or you'll find that that again you can get your arms around it or something and like you know that like okay for like maybe a few days like the moving here or whatever like the transition thing I'm like there's gonna be like three or four days like the first day I'm like everything is ringing and I'm just like I [ __ ] I don't want to go outside like all these kinds of things I'm like go outside you'll be fine go go [ __ ] in encounter the world uh and then like in three or four days like all of that will come down right you'll get mental Cycles back or whatever so like just take care of yourself like you know if there's a diet thing like focus on eating well or you know whatever it is right it's like the the thing will pass um and then maybe you'll notice like a glimmer of some new insight because I'm not tense like I'm not fighting the [ __ ] thing like I don't want to feel like this this [ __ ] sucks I that's true sometimes sometimes it's too much but I'm like yeah I know but like a couple days of this you're cool like just just and then that I'm like all right a couple I can do that yep and then but it shortens the thing because I'm not fighting the thing like I'm just feeling what's there rather than like feeling what's there and then not wanting to feel what's there which makes the whole thing [ __ ] 10 times worse so yeah but sometimes it's just just screaming I'm like I'm not going outside [Music] so crazy but whatever the reason none of the previous time like a million other times that you've overcome this they don't get registered I'm fascinated by this because all of the other things we remember but in the the the part that um you know whatever unrealistic on rational irrational thing or thought that come to your mind this is the truth this never happened before and uh and this kind of terrifies me now but then somebody like around you you this happened to you before like a million times and you know you felt fine but just kind of doing the opposite or you can just sit with it and feel a bit horrible or an hour or two and it just passes but I'm just amazed why it never registers that this happened before you've done it it's nothing it's wrong or just get get on with it it's the ego yeah it's the ego being a trickster and holding you back from growing because it's afraid of what's on the other side because it doesn't know it can't you can't know what's on the other side so it requires change and the ego's like [ __ ] we're not touching that especially the longer you've been dealing with it yeah the more crazy costumes the ego puts on like some of them are distracting or some of them are just blending in like some like we've been talking about like you're distracting yourself with doing a bunch of work in one area so that you can't pay attention to something or something pops up and the ego is just like oh this is fine we've never seen this before we'll just continue on do the thing that you usually do when you're like no you're not supposed to do that um there's some part of us that knows though that's that's the part that I'm interested in like how do you because there is a Feeling especially with repeated behaviors um there's ways of catching on that oh I'm doing the thing again that I always do and I don't want to do that there's like a it there's like a a felt sense of it it's almost like a sixth sense where you're like wait I've been here before maybe it's like a form of deja vu like you're like I know but that sensitive it's it's hard to train because the ego is pretty creative especially for Creative people it's going to do all kinds of different things so you have to I don't know it's like you have to be aware of when it is acting through you and there's a feeling like sometimes I can like catch like wind of it because it's like a yeah I don't know it's like a thought pattern or like I say things in a way or like I catch like there's some patterning there that it can't hide completely so it's getting in tune with that um maybe for you it's like when you say oh I've done this before I know what to do and you're like wait let me question that like is that true like why do I think I know I just know I don't listen to my rational part when I'm stressed I just need to always remind myself that um for whatever reason when I'm in this state my rational side gets [ __ ] yeah there is no communication whatsoever I need to force it so it doesn't feel natural at the time but it's the right thing to do how do you do that uh today I was sitting in the rest I have a client call in a minute I hate to have like 10 30 client calls yeah uh that's a boundary thing yeah it's a time zone issue too yeah we need you we need both Asia Europe and U.S to be aligned otherwise I would go for early mornings uh but then it would be midnight Europe um anyway um it's so weird but I was in a restaurant today having lunch uh felt pretty good when I woke up I woke up early did a lot of work um all right this is building up I'm back uh going to the complement space check the space things are looking good or not much to complain about go to the restaurant having the first meal I'm like I feel good let me let me try something that is not vegetarian just a bite I take the first bite and I start overthinking this yeah and I [ __ ] I feel horrible uh now I cannot you know it's one of those reverse irreversible can of actions so yeah [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] no so what do I do uh and then it goes on ramps up oh yes seconds yeah yeah it's like throwing gas fire yeah it's so messed up uh then you are fighting these you know irrational type of thoughts while you are eating your meal and go oh my God wait uh that's not true I've been here before I said I'm gonna do this for seven days I'm just gonna try different things for seven days taking it as if this is not true because it feels like reality when it hits you okay I'm just gonna go on as if it's not real let's see what that happens because I've never tried that for seven days straight um I just said that and I kind of suddenly it's an instant thing in an instant you can give in and you can get all caught up into it and have a full-blown attack or you just in an instant let that go enemy start noticing your senses are coming back things are fine yeah it's like using the path yeah because once you choose to go down the one where you let the whole thing ramp up there is a physiological response and then you're like fight or flight and then you've got adrenaline and all that stuff and that takes so long to calm down from so yeah if you can you're like no I'm not gonna do that gonna go this way it's a daily thing but it does wear off um I don't have depersonalization stuff anymore uh but just practicing the uh mine is just now uh messed up thought patterns that I get caught up in which kind of for whatever reason brought them probably up avoiding things that are always important to do let me first fix this thing that is not real the imaginary in my mind then I will fix the stuff that I need to do uh no takes time yep this is how you get patient because you're just like it [ __ ] goes as fast as it goes yeah too you like new things come up and you're just like whatever like I've I've mastered like dealing with [ __ ] so let's what is this one and you can like outweigh it like you can outsmart it like you're like it's fine thrash around a little bit see if I care yeah well enjoy your client call yeah yeah oh good yeah yeah it's good maybe it's doing great on management side but oh cool nice yeah we can chat we should talk about that kind of stuff before we record next time behind the scenes behind the scenes yeah cool cool good chat thanks vertical yeah