Man Enough Episode 3 - The Ugliness of Body Image transcript

[Music] thank you so much for being here I love this thank you gonna be on our fan okay question raise your hand if you've ever had body image issues I thought it'd be so interesting to have a conversation that I have never ever seen men have before which is a conversation talking about our insecurities with our bodies hmm and I'll start as a guy who takes his shirt off on television I have a lot of insecurities about my body and I and I figured that if I had them other men have to have them and I'm and I have a feeling I caused a lot of men to have insecurities about their bodies I don't know I just think it's interesting that we have six men from all different backgrounds and maybe we can all relate about our insecurities yeah yeah which is a weird thing to hear men talk about yes sir sorry I'm one yes I decided to please jump in so are we going carb-free tonight are we going all out I'm set I'm gonna enjoy myself yeah doing myself don't worry about this because when I have come training for months I need you is regular wine no carbo that's it no because I fight in 185 when I don't have come training I Allah everything I never take it off my shirt when I no training for fight because I'm so fat and I say oh yeah why I say let's go for the beach okay I go but I know girls take it off my shirt I know it is because it's Joe Mande yeah you know I know I respect because his lifestyle but no you know happy look yeah that was my oh no this is lifestyle yeah I'm and I'm sort of the same I mean I was a true personal trainer for ten years I competed in powerlifting I did a bodybuilding show but it's been this always this interesting balance of like yes I can transform my body but also how much of my life do I want to also just not be okay with it mmm right like and that's so normalized and like all of us are insecure about our bodies but I'm like what if I actually also just met myself like in the middle or further do you remember the first time you had like body image issues you used to like work out oh yeah it was like more of like you're me yeah it's interesting that that is even an insult as I my carbs be like this is bread you know I was always skinny yeah always always very slimming I got teased a lot um a lot of girls he's skinny skinny in that that affects me you know that led me to one of lift weights and eat more fast forward to today I mean that was like I started in grade school today I still it still affects me mm-hmm I can be as mindful as I want I'm still you know in the bathroom looking at myself I feel you there yeah this is something this is a pressure I feel like an expectation to be a thing particularly as a man to demonstrate your strength to demonstrate your your your maybe your ability as a caretaker maybe your ability is as just as a leader or whatever it is you want to attain you've got to have this physical stature every photo shoot I've ever done it's always like alright we're gonna take this photo you look all classy and then it's like okay so take your shirt off well I can pretty much guarantee which one's you're gonna break right that's even on social media I find that any post that I have that is gonna be shirtless or is gonna be something in that vein thousands of likes yeah that post something that's like a little more thoughtful 40 so thank you for uh thank you for coming to my my home gym glad to be here so I think many of us are dealing with the advanced complex in your research where did this start well it's interesting the notion of men's relationship with their body and you can go back to greco-roman errors I mean what what are the statues that we see you know the physical thing David just ripped exactly of men but the idea of men having a relationship with their body image like how they feel about their bodies and and their bodies is sort of this appearance kind of related tool we didn't really start to see as much to the beginning of the early 80s I mean the function of a man's body has always been there yeah for that weird I mean if you think about the advertising in the 60s and 50s it was the Marlboro Man you know he wasn't a ripped muscular guy he was masculine you know there was a certain ruggedness to it but there's this huge increase in the early eighties of men without their shirts off in advertising if you think about who the biggest Hollywood stars were in the early 80s Arnold Schwarzenegger Sylvester Stallone you know these are guys with very ripped bodies there was something about the 80s being this kind of highly like hyper masculinity was very big and it was very very important and also steroids and that the accessibility to anabolic steroids just continued and continued to increase so now it wasn't just in your elite bodybuilding circles that anyone could start you know getting and now literally anybody can get them how do you think the role in media plays into all of us having body image issues I would say this very very honestly prior to the New York Times review for for Hamilton I was very comfortable in my skin and the very first sentence and I'm not complaining about this but I'm saying this had the impact has had on me is Hamilton is sexy on Sundays mmm was the first line of my review mmm in the New York Times and I literally at that point went oh great I won't be eating pizza mm-hmm let me cut out this or my die and it was even there positive reinforcement right yeah right that was a comp that weren't yeah but it became a pressure absolutely and then in expect because it was an expectation the media when the see me at say oh and there's a now he's knowing shape its fat body shaming yeah why because when I go to fight that kinda shape and even the fact that you're an elite athlete and the pressures are still so high that they're like despite you being one of the greatest athletes that you also still have to look a certain like it gives a your body's made to do literally a machine yeah it's too much art the people just looking in all your fact I think you dawn now you know it's almost like it affects your value like your worth as yeah is lessened because you have not accomplished a certain physical goal or a level or whatever and so thus you are less of a man in some way yeah I think I think Emerson is right I think we we have this comparing mentality that we then we develop I'm not sure if it's natural I think it's definitely societal I mean I don't I don't think that we have healthy body images in this culture mmm-hmm we are our will or where they are our you know ability to to abstain and to do whatever we say that we're gonna do and my body became a very interesting way of oh the more I learned the more I apply myself the more I can see the changes and I can walk around and everyone else can see that I work hard yeah then everyone else can immediately see you know whatever they assigned to that though he can you know protect himself and you know and and all these different things but it's not so later that I'm sort of realizing that like true confidence doesn't come back in knowing that I am better than someone it's knowing that it doesn't matter if I'm better than someone how do you define body image what what is it it's a great question so body image is different than our appearance so appearance is a concrete objective like I have brown eyes I am six feet tall and those sort of concrete measures body image is more how you feel your perception of your body your attitudes of that body and how you think other people sort of see that so now when we put it in that definition we understand that body image can have nothing to do with your appearance because as we know from people who have body image issues who have negative body image eating to sort of their body image is totally distorted or skewed in such a way that it has very little to do with how they actually look like if someone's watching this and whether it's a woman or a man how do they know that they have a negative body image what everyone should do is really take a mindful assessment throughout the day of what their body image talk is we all have it so negative body image is where you notice that a lot of that self-talk is not very affirming it's this idea that oh if it was just a little more of this or that the idea that what it is is not good enough on some level if you're engaging in over exercising restriction of food that you body needs certainly any binging or purging behaviors all of those things that use of anabolic steroids that these things that are not healthy for your body and clearly this isn't about health now anymore this is there's something wrong about the way you're seeing yourself and now they just download apps and then they give themselves abs and then retouch the way they look which is real I just found this out by the way there are retouch apps that you can download for your Instagram yet that you can then give yourself abs and like take away wrinkles well cosmetic surgery with men is exploded since probably the late 80s Early 90s exploded [Music] thank you so much for making some time for me of course as we're going on this journey exploring what it means to be a man and in this episode exploring body image like what better place than a plastic surgeon's office let alone I'm like you who's kind of known for being like the good plastic surgeon hopefully I think you know plastic surgery ideally should be an art form yeah but at the same time really good plastic surgery should be deceptive it should take what you already have what you should be comfortable with and just change a slight feature change your nose tweak it a little bit just to give you more confidence whatever my insecurity is my whole life if I come in and say hey doctor money I want you to fix this and if you fix it it's gonna make me more confident oh and then that confidence will equal my happiness isn't that like just putting a bandaid on the bigger problem I think it can be but at the same time I think you know one of the keys that I look forward patients coming in is they're pretty happy with themselves in the first place but they just see a little thing they want to tweak what does that come from like I think about like the standard of beauty that is set like who decided that you weren't a suitable mate if you had a large nose or if you had a unibrow or if you had you know whatever it is I mean if you look at it scientifically beauty is what's average buted the most beautiful face is considered the average of all human faces and that that makes sense from an evolutionary viewpoint in the sense that you know extremes are not attractive so an asymmetry its and symmetry is also a big thing right however there was a study which I found very interesting which i think is true the study found that a newborn baby will actually respond to someone who's considered beautiful but asymmetric in the same way they'll respond to someone that's beautiful and symmetric I guess so my theory on it I think it's not learned I think we have an innate sense of beauty you know we can't really codify it we can't really you know academically do research and say this is beauty how do you guys think that body image differs between men and women historically we only hear women talk about their insecurities with their bodies right it's not cool for it's not cool for a group of guys to get together and talk about we're back that we're insecure right so what's what do you think the difference is I think women face anymore barriers in that way and that's not to diminish what we go through but I do I am cautious sometimes when I hear people say like like you know and it's just as bad for men you know and that's not to say one individual man couldn't have a worse experience with it than an individual woman but as a whole we also have to look at sort of that privilege as a man right or even as a table full of guys that are considered relatively thin right there are people who are fat or people of size who you know might work just as hard but might not look the way we do and they get associated with being lazy and they get discriminated against by their doctors who tell them to lose weight you know when we consider even our health we don't even consider the psychological aspects of it right like it might not be fully dysfunctional and that I'm binging or that I'm you know purging but like what are the effects of a lifetime of like feeling like we can't take our shirts off we can just be who we are as people because men are you're supposed to like your body like you're supposed to if that's the expectation yeah but yes it's the expectation and it's also what we live up to we're also allowed to like our I mean there's less pressure on us to like our body's flawed even though we do have the pressures that we've all been discussing compared to women we are allowed to be overweight at the pool like the double standard of the dad bod right and that there's no female equivalent of that because yeah you know everything is seen through this male gaze and that women have to be you know a certain way that's appealing and you know to us if they don't you know shave their armpit hair or something like that like you know god forbid it's the worst thing in the world their demand the demands on women far outweigh us I'll never forget that auditioning for a production of Chicago and I couldn't make the male call which was at 10:00 a.m. so I went to the female call at noon and I'd never done that before my life and I remember showing up in sweatpants a t-shirt that I just had like cut off the food and my dance shoes whatever is comfortable show up these women hose this that contraption appear hair makeup I mean heels that done mm-hmm up and I was like because the expectation for them is so much higher in that room I could show up in my pajamas mm-hmm I still get the part yeah why do think that is exactly what you were saying right like god forbid there's there's there's a woman with a flaw mm-hm and and and it's and that's so inhumane for me you know body image is not just about myself but how do I also normalize you know like fat acceptance right and if that's someone if that's what you know how they identify and what they just how they are like how do we normalize the margins also it ultimately sets us free to write we can look at something nice to loot you for that but I'm not even at the point I still struggle with it so much internally I can't even go out of my own space and try to figure out how I can love on everybody else's body and right like I I saw the crew eating pizza and I just was like I want some damn pizza and then my next thought was well you can't have pizza yep I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that there's a part of me that probably uh like identifies myself worse at times with how my body looks sure right so if my body doesn't look good then there is a part of me that will feel like I am NOT good or I am not worthy or I am not man enough right right yeah body dysmorphic disorder or BDD is a body image disorder in which people have a very distorted perception of a part of their body so it could be their skin it could be their hair their height their muscle size so their muscle size is what we call muscle dysmorphia so men who are by everybody standards by objective criteria could be very fit and very muscular but they look in the mirror and they think they look too scrawny they think they might look too skinny too puny they just don't see the same mirror it's sort of a reverse of what how we think of anorexia so a lot of BDD individuals for example if they have the financial resources end up in a cosmetic surgeons office before they seem and it's only when cosmetic surgeons will no longer perform surgeries on them that they end up coming and realize is probably a problem so when you just described body dysmorphia I can't help but think that I might be part of that 1% mmm and that's why I'm really interested to talk to you about this because I think there's a lot of guys like me the idea that you know by having a 6-pack that all your insecurities are going to go away is not true it's not just about oh how do other people see me you have your own conception of what you're dealing with if your self-esteem is all rested or 90% of it is rested on the way you look you are going to get into trouble big trouble in your life because you can't maintain that you know and in that arena but there's this expectation right because to the outside world I'm in fantastic shape right all the time right mmm people people don't realize I don't walk around with a six-pack all day long right for some people it's sustainable I'm 33 it's not anymore right oh he looks great right oh he's got to be confident right Anderson Silva oh it he could pretty much kick anybody's ass all of the people oh yeah he's confident very interesting because I have a lot of problems about my voice this it oh this is your real voice it's yeah white what happened for my voice yeah because it's quiet just no so like the physical oh yeah someone's idea of who you should be based on what you what you look like yeah because you're like the toughest man in the entire world but didn't you turn it but didn't you flip it and turn it into like this whole campaign like you made like million little campaign is the Burger King am I sing bully for my friends but they were but they were bullying you and so you then turned it and you made fun of yourself yeah because I think when I talked to my dad about this my dad say what happened this is your voice this is you and my son said that your voice is normal when you come angry your voice is so strong I say okay alright you seem pretty self-aware and you seem pretty knowing that it's you like it's more about you right and that like you go on diets when you're gonna fight and you don't I don't know I'm just curious do you feel like that confidence is because you've proven your masculinity by winning fights no no no you know cuz I think that's what like from an outside perspective I feel like that's what it would allude to be like oh well you know Anderson's more confidence because get the crap out of mind and many people yeah and I mean no I I think it's a for me is it it's all my mind destroyed me yeah and I need you come down and yeah see how much this is in it's very important or not so tricky man cuz I believe I mean we talk about spirituality yeah you and I can go for hours about it right I'm a Baha'i I believe that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience yeah believe that our bodies are just here to house our souls but I also believe that our lower nature is strong and part of the journey of being alive is to find a way to overcome that with our higher nature and I will tell you that my lower nature is loud mmm because I I can I can know practically that my body is just above sure it's a vessel it's a vehicle yeah but it doesn't change the fact that I still identify so much of my worth as a man with the way that I look so work so I'm now a part of the problem right but I'm also suffering yes yeah yeah as a man I go well is that what women want like is that what other if so if I go think about myself and why I do the things that I do I don't know if I'm doing it for man or if I'm doing it for women or if I'm doing it for my wife or if I'm doing it for myself I don't even know why I'm doing it well this isn't it that's one of the things I looked at in one of the research studies I did where we had I developed this computer program where basically you can click on a an image and make the image more or less muscular and then more or less fat so in both dimensions and we actually asked is where what their ideal was and then we asked women what their ideal of the male body was now we had wondered whether it was going to be that men's ideal was what they thought I could do for heterosexual men that their ideal would be what they thought women wanted in men and it turns out has nothing to do with women that actually men's ideal far surpass like statistically surpass what women actually preferred in men and the reverse of that is true for women as well that women think men want them to be a lot thinner the men in fact prefer the female body to be so we are not doing it we're really in the sense now the biggest predictor though of how muscular a man wanted to be what his ideal was was actually based on how muscular he thought the average guy is so there's something about the way that men are sort of competing with each other to be whether it's being the biggest guy in the room the most masculine guy in the alpha male it has less to do with what women want and it's more when I if the patient's that I work with they'll actually have women say you're a good-looking guy and they don't see it in a so I relate to that too you're now getting that but if you're not internalize it now the question is what is this all for so if I just walked in mm-hmm what do you think I would want done the first question I ask when someone comes in for a consultation and I'll ask that of you right now what's bothering you what do you want when I was 10 we moved to Oregon and everybody was really whitening right like the blonde hair and the blue eyes and so I think I was always really insecure about my nose if I was living in a different world where I didn't know anybody what I want to see what it was what it would be like to have more of an American nose or less prominent certain features I her I would say turn to the side just for now so I can see this is my bad side okay all right okay that's right away you know I think there will look at the Photoshop but yeah I would do it I would probably but I'll be very conservative can I ask a ignorant question please as a straight man I've noticed that it seems like a lot of the game and I know focus so much on their like Matt like took almost like a hyper masculine appearance it is what is what's the relationship do you think in the gay community with body image right I think that's there's a number of things that go into that I think the first pressure for gay men is safety mm so so as a gay man if you're by yourself and you're in you're in certain contexts where maybe you are not welcome are you the size that that this one particular person who wants to start something with you that they can that they can take are you so big that they're gonna think twice mmm right so there's a safety issue doesn't it right there's also the the fact that gay has been viewed as less for so long as if you're viewed as as inferior then suddenly there's a pressure to have perfect skin perfect teeth perfect hair impeccable clothing perfect shade I'm always prepared you know all the answers you can't diminish me now no one can point at you and say oh look right yeah it's the gay guy who's right because I see mm-hmm cuz of that identity right also on top of that there's the era of the 80s of when aids and HIV became entered entered our population and and that I mean as an hiv-positive man I can tell you firsthand within my own community when I first was diagnosed I was so disgusted by the other gay men very cruel towards me I was immediately rejected I didn't want to know even know if I was in your own community right there was a stigma attached to it because of the weight loss because of what the virus didn't you when I transitioned into AIDS from HIV and diminished your body weight etc etc so there became this need to look a certain way so you looked healthy so you were someone who was gonna find a possible partner right you know so that that's another level of this and I experienced that firsthand I mean on a separate note that's why I'm so open about it mm-hmm right because going back to that New York Times article that starts with Hamilton is sexy on Sundays to me it was like great because now you're gonna associate sexy with an hiv-positive it so that's got a shatter some windows so yeah right no so but still it still made you feel yeah I still stirring and I sure absolutely which even more so that's a lot of conflicting feeling it's totally yeah you know yeah it's a three-ring circus up here I was like that the pressure on him Joe but it's but all of that to say now it's it's sort of just uh norm right we've normalized it it's just that if you're gay you have to look like this it doesn't help that media perpetuates it and for you I think it's a little bit different for the rest of us because I mean your thing is your body yes like you are a was it Men's Fitness or medicine South you are a men's health cover model yeah so your whole like your world is your body yes and but it's the saddest part is that when I was on the cover of Men's Health magazine I think I was probably at my my worst relationship with my body and the worst relationship with food and you feel insecure while being on the cover of men's health oh for sure oh for sure which is why sure I yeah and and like being you know so I'm transgender so I'm born female right and so I have to really I I related to you when you were like you know I you know being a gay man you have to do this like for me when I transitioned into male it was like okay I'm gonna start working out because if I go into a bar and this guy over here doesn't like my choices if he sees that I'm muscular maybe he'll think twice about coming athletes you know what I mean pure safety I get chills because it was so true you know this was back in 2009 didn't have liver and cos didn't have anybody out there you know advertising really their identity and so like you know now I've got this guy a foot taller than me a hundred pounds bigger than me and I've got a size myself up to him you know and I mean and so having a perfect body and like you said I find myself criticizing how good of a man I am all the time because it's like well I've got to be perfect because if I'm not perfect then someone's gonna point at it and be like well that's year that's why you're not a man yes that or that how did your childhood I guess as a woman affect your body image now as a man you know I think I have a lot of internalized which I'm trying to work on right but I think I have a lot of internalized self-hatred for the female body that I was born into you know like I always I'm always comparing my hip size some other guys meanwhile like I seen guys with big hips all day long but I know that they're biologically born a male so I'm like well that's okay but for some reason for me it's not it's not okay for me to have wider hips or to not you know everyone's got the taper right everyone and watch that taper right and it's like I'll never get the taper because my hips are this right so it'll always be like this yes so it's it's definitely an interesting battle to integrate the cuz I you know I was identified as FEMA for 21 years of my life you know and I mean and so my my masculinity is constantly questioned and honestly over and over and so I find myself having to prove it to other people and then it makes me question it myself you look at you know all of those exercise muscle magazines there's always a mention of masculinity in there you know be a better man be a bigger man for her be you know better in bed you know this idea that building a body is sort of your your duty in a sense is to be more masculine so we need models of showing you know that there are entrepreneurs who are strong there are doctors that are strong they're body builders who are strong and athletes who are started if there are many models of masculinity that convey assertiveness and convey strength and convey all of those things rather than having to be at the gym five hours a day we have to pay attention to the language we use for boys who are hearing this language it's perfectly known now how important it is of how we have to talk about body image with when we have daughters you know every parent is sort of more aware of that but with sons we're still not there yet my wife's pregnant seven months pregnant so we're gonna have a son one of the things I'm worried about is the unrealistic expectation that media and social media is placing on young boys preteen boys and also men I mean I know I feel it I I follow some of these super-ripped I'm gonna follow you but I follow some of these super rip dudes on Instagram that are just constantly posting videos of themselves working out and I'm like I gotta do that I see them just super shredded and all it does is make me feel like you know it comes with what we identify as where do you get to if you get yourself wet from your body this car that is going to be constantly degrading and eventually ain't gonna be an Instagram filter that we'll be able to cover the wrinkles and if you identified as this you gonna have a life of misery yeah but if you just see this alright I had this body off to take care of it it's not me right I have the body I'm not this body and you're okay but if you constantly oh this is me I got a you're just gonna have a lifetime of suffering our culture doesn't push that mm-hmm because it's not profitable so comedians so man to man are you there though I'm there when I'm here when I'm aware of and this moment and I'm not thinking about the future it is when I'm here yeah but the thoughts are gonna come if I walk past a mirror I'm gonna look mm-hmm that's okay that's just the mind doing this tricks that's okay but when that thought starts to create suffering for me on a daily basis that's when it's an issue yeah well that's like this self-awareness you have when you can have conversations like we're trying to have right now and be vulnerable and try to put that self-awareness on the table I feel like I was a lot like you were saying with the pizza I used to be a lot more like that but what would happen if you ate the piece of pizza what if we just have like one slice on Tuesday two slices on Friday mm-hmm believe me I still I'm trying to you know embody this myself but I think again it's not self awareness piece it's like can you look in the mirror and when you hear that bad thought do you or do you know that there's a part of you you know that wants to love yourself I have fallen into that trap of I've got that cheat day and that's all it's gonna be only if it happens on any other day language shame and in the same and you might as well what I want to tie together is is exactly what you're saying that self-awareness and and of being alone and and that piece by yourself it is that thing it's that connection to the self-awareness it's finding your seer you're just calm in your skin and then not being so damn harsh that's the last step that I'm finally coming to yeah of like not punishing myself if I break the system I yeah I've developed we live in a culture that is sexist that is racist that is transphobic and normalized all these things the studies show that you cannot be free of that you know cuz things are normalized that we can't even know are normalized right now right so accepting that I'm on that journey and the best thing that I can do is to re-educate myself be conscious of the media I choose I don't follow people aspirational body people because I think that just puts me in a bad place we start taking off my shirt for you enough see I don't think I don't think I want this is for you I've learned I think at a later age the importance of being open and vulnerable and protecting women and hmm I was a destructive force I think when I was a young boy and now the more I dig into my own psyche the more I realized how messed up I am from the way I see myself and my relationship with my body and now I'm gonna have a little boy hmm who's gonna look at everything that I do right well and if he's looking at daddy who's measuring his calories or he's doing cardio in the morning or he's fasting for half the day what it what am I saying man right you know am i hurting his confidence from the beginning am i saying that you know he has to grow up and look like me and if he doesn't he's not enough man sounds terrifying how will you talk about that because that will be very important so when I train when I go to the gym I'll make sure to tell them let's say on days that I don't feel like just training that day I'm certainly not going to miss my child's piano recital to go to the gym you know in making that clear that there are lots of important things in my life and priorities in my life and this is something that is important to me but it does not take precedent over my health over you know sacrificing sleep or my work and certainly nothing comes before my kids so focusing on health balance health and balance and worth because he'll pay attention to what does daddy think of himself period everything that you're saying is exactly like what I want to prescribe to you and what I believe in and and I haven't heard it out loud so like a there's like taking it in because I don't want to mess up my son mm-hmm you know I don't want to mess up my daughter mmm it's a deep it is it's a real fear because I don't want my son to be just like me I'm always going to be better than me do you guys ever look in the mirror and see something completely different and what the world sees all the time I literally like look in the mirror and see my flaws that's a man and and I've caught I've become so conscious of it that I now am trying to because you know everything's an exercise right like retrain myself to when I look in the mirror see one thing that I can compliment myself Oh Javier that looks really good today not you can beat yourself up you know maybe that's gonna become too maybe was gonna become three but you know when I looked in the mirror a while ago and I was definitely seeing something in the mirror that other people didn't see you know people say you know you're big enough you're big it was only two years later I'm looking back at my whole pictures I'm like yo your head it's way too small right your body that's amazing really good you know but like it's a lifelong process and we're never gonna be at the NS particularly in a society that really teaches us all these things so how do we be gentle with ourself but also let me not convince myself that like that's better yeah or even like you know that I hate the term like Oh in better shape better than what you know what I mean what makes that better you know I feel you on that illuminance of like of just like expanding outside that boundary of comfort in the same way to vote its vulnerability right this little that yeah and and at its core I think it's being comfortable in the uncomfortable as men as we attempt to be more vulnerable as we have these conversations how can we be comfortable in the uncomfortable could do that you can do so the one side does look a little bit different yeah I think yeah I mean a little bit not that anyone but you would notice the reason it looks different is because of the septum being deviated over to that side right I do have a bad side it's not about so you have a good side and a less good side will say well maybe something like that I think it's you know too subtle to really say I'm gonna do that let's see let's what do you think you know what let's see if my wife can tell the difference let's see if it looks happier he seems nicer hey babe can I have your mama for a second Maya hey can you can you here just look at the picture yeah look what we did can you tell a difference but isn't it great you don't like it that's the difference that's before so I'm gonna have I'm gonna have some bandages when we go to Hawaii yeah and when you come back while we can aren't we in Reverse he said it's only a worse it's only a week of down lonely half price that's why I married you I love you so I want to focus on the positive um and then we can each we can each go here what is uh what is one thing you love about your body how much time you're gonna I'm gonna have the opposite the back the wings you know the fact that I can wing I spread it nice and strong yeah what about you my eyes and my eyebrows this right here mm-hmm I wish don't want to answer the physical because I almost feel like I should be thinking about some other aspect of it but my lips and I think I never really was internet because that's not like I think as a man that's not something that like not manly dad puffy beautiful lips yeah what nice lips yeah of lips also like my lips are not like reflective of my of my masculinity or my ability to exert my control over my body you know I was like I wanted it to be worth it right I think my legs no because when I broke my leg in the fight one year I just stay in all day all night I cry I just oh my gosh I never go back to walking again they never go back to training again and I just see the people walking normally see oh my gosh I need your back when I look my legs you see yeah I skinny but I love it mmm yeah my like my chest because being born female having breast tissue that was had to be removed I feel very proud that you know I have scars across my chest but I feel very proud of them I feel like you know as much as you may not like parts of your body now you like us so much more and then when you're in a body that did not represent your identity truly yeah watch you yes what's so funny so I asked the question mm-hmm and my first initial response is like I can't think of something huh but if I strip away that like ego of the things that I want to improve um I think I got a nice ass mm-hmm yes how about that so with that to your eyes and eyebrows [Laughter] into your chest yes nah and into my ass [Music] you