Mentalization Based Treatment Training Video with Anthony Bateman - Not knowing stance transcript

how are you today I'm not so good no okay tell me a little bit about well I feel like I'm feel like I'm ready for blowing I've just had enough I'm making me plans I'm going around like that all the time walking around uh I don't know I don't know where I'm going with all this it it it's nice that you come and listen to me for an hour but as soon as I sometimes it's okay for a bit but when I I could be out the room by the time I've got home I'm already feeling crap again all right and you're getting worked up about it now is this how it's been then yeah well it just feels like I'm I'm some sort of bloody amster in a wheel it just keeps coming back it's probably all I might as well just be in hospital or something all right what's coming back at the moment and just tell me what's coming up all the time what's going on for you no I can't I can't get on with people people are looking at me all the time mhm uh I'm I'm just frightened are you hang on are you able to just calm down for a moment you just sit back a bit can you do that I think I need go in hospital or something don't worry about saying just see if you can just calm down a little bit all right all right just yeah see you can come all right yeah I'm I'm not trying to be awkward or anything it's dead nice but it just keeps coming on all the time that's what I want to focus on when you calm down just a little let's focus a bit actually the therapy is not really having the effect on this okay we we'll come back to that no just calm down can you just hold on to it a minute can just hold on to it okay okay yeah I'm sorry let's go on to therapy a little bit your sens is it's quite nice coming along at least to talk about things but actually it leaves you still in a pretty difficult I just I just feel like I might as well not be anything I feel like I'm invisible right okay when you come to see me how do you feel for the time I'm in it's all right and that that you know you're nice and everything uh I'm not always that I'm not always that nice though am I sometimes I can be quite difficult well I suppose you try and get me for get off your ass or something or do something about it but as soon as I go out I just think well there's nothing really happening you know yeah as soon as you go out get a bit paranoid you C it didn't you well I I don't feel safe anywhere so I don't I don't don't mix with anybody I just go for walks and things that's when I start thinking that's when all my thoughts so when you come here it's quite nice and you feel I'm mostly nice to you well you're not having a goal as such no but it it's it's all right all I I just I just can't I just can't seem to maintain it yeah but it doesn't do enough to you each week as it were in some way no no well it's like it it's like it's never going to go yeah it's a bit of a problem for me at the moment can we just stick to what this it is actually what would you like it to do how would you like to leave here and how would you like it to Li that I've got something proper to look forward to and what would tell you that was something to look forward that I could maintain a better mood mhm you know mhm because once I start thinking downhill it's know it's just it's just like a a hole okay you know I want you move just this minute man well I suppose I've I've I've gassed off a bit I felt I were bubbling but MH you know I started feeling a bit silly really that I'm doing this again and again this being the well I'm I'm I'm coming I'm coming it's taking all your time up I'm coming here and the the probably I'm not really going to get anywhere in the end am I but you were just saying we've done a little bit of something useful s you felt bubbly and you're about to blow when you first arrived and now you're saying I thought you feel a little bit calmer so you feel a bit easier yeah well well generally I'm fine by the time we're done I'm sort of you're just done I won't say chilled but I'm I'm feeling all right within myself but then you know like next day something like that I feel like I'm going home and I'm just looking in a mirror looking at myself so what was it about with what we've just done that managed to bring you down a little bit and make you feel you're not about to blow at this moment well you you talk to me you you give me a chance to sort of settle a little bit you know and I don't mind being here I feel it's like safe in here yeah but as soon as I'm back on me on it's just that you know and it's it's like I'm hanging on to it I can see that so you mean in a way you feel a bit better when you're here but actually that leaves you in a lot more trouble when you leave and you've gone yeah yeah I suppose yeah and so I might I you might just as well not come in that sense I mean if that's is that where you're at it's it's it's it's it's nice but I can't make it last I can't make it last sometimes I can get here next week and I don't know I can't say it there's a a particular thing that that makes me go but if I'm going to be like some I well just be be in hospital again yeah you know yes what is it with you in hospital well I feel like once once I've once I've I've blown once i' try fo do myself you know like you you're taking in and everything but that that's all right because it's it's a bit like when I've know you you've deflated you've done it and then and then suddenly you can't leave the ward you can't go anywhere they just seem to be looking at you you're walking around over assessing you yeah but they are aren they well it doesn't feel like it to me it just feels like I'm incarcerated I'm just being locked up yeah yeah and then it that makes me makes me want to be on my own again yeah you want to get out yeah yeah definitely and I don't really feel that the they listen to me too much at least you give me an hour I don't think they ever give me an hour yeah so that's so I don't know where I'm going like I say so what What's going at the moment though that you're s cuz you you're getting worked up again at the moment aren't you you're just calm down what is it about this is working you up at the minute I don't I don't know I I don't know whether it's whether I'm thinking that it's just going to come back again and that I'm already thinking about I don't know okay so it's difficult to be here feel a bit calmer feel a bit safer and then you got a whole week in between well if I'm if I if I come you know I don't set myself up to come here not feeling 100% but if I just came in Whistling well I might as well not be here might I yeah and can I just take something else up this is going back to the hospital thing yeah because you worry that you you blow and then you get admitted and then they all look at you and assess you and lock you in incarcerate you as you called it and I just have this worry all the time I mean today's session your senses you need to be back in hospital you've indicated that a couple of times now I know from my point of view I was think gosh you know do he really want to be in Hospital like that when you're just incarcerated and locked up but yet you bring a sense that you think you need to go in again what's making you want to go in it it interrupts that other feeling that that that that feeling of of just being alone and and hopeless and and empty it it it breaks it up but then but then you just locked up yeah and and generally because I'm on my own all the time anyway uh I sort of need me space but it's sort of as as though that can be me enemy as well yeah I just wanted to go back to this Hospital thing because that's been so important and is important for you I think if we just go back I mean what's it like then and I really mean seriously what is it like when your senses you need this so much which has been around a lot is around now but actually all goes wrong it's all a mess when you when you get it I mean what's that like for you uh it's it's okay it's okay when I get in but then suddenly I've got people that I feel are are putting on me and then that's that's all I feel I've ever had that people have always been sort of against me and the first thing they say is that you can't go out you can't do anything and do this time I do my own even though it ends up not being much you know and it's just that it it just it just never seems to last because because once I'm once I'm in hospital uh I've s I've sort of calm down but all they seem to do is keep me in for a while and then just say they need the bed and send me home yeah but I think that's what I'm trying to get at so there's this whole sense you put across to me that actually You' you have this pressure that you need to be in the hospital you need to get that you need to be taken out of what you're in and actually it all goes wrong and you get the very thing you definitely don't want which is being locked up and sort of kept in all those things come back well what's the alternative really well I think that's a great question actually what is the alternative here trying trying make myself a bit more busy well then you know I I just I just see no that's difficult to that's yeah do yeah yeah I think that's but at my help if we just tried to clarify actually what it is that you end up really really struggling with what made you feel you might blow today cuz you calm down now so something was there that you felt was building that meant you had to go to a hospital what were you trying to struggle with uh it's just it's just feeling feeling that I'm not going anywhere and I suppose not really having anyone that I can trust to share it with I've only I've got you for an hour and that's it that's not enough though is it cuz you lose it over the week that's your well I can only do so long with people and I start I start wanting to be out the room you know I don't like don't like crowds or anything like that so I'm I'm want a loser anyway really aren't I okay so when you were feeling so caught up in that I mean who would you talk to for five minutes about that only myself only yourself do you have to make end up walking around the house you have to make an appointment with yourself at those times no I can't get away from myself right so you got a permanent appointment what do you mean well I was just wondering I can never get an appointment with myself you know I'm so busy I just wondered when you had to talk to yourself whe you made an appointment or not no like that no okay well the problem is that you're permanently caught in your appointment you uh we can't can't get away can't get away from yourself and I can't I can't can't make it make it right but that was I thought why I'm sorry I was trying to sort of make a joke of something which I do think is incredibly serious but but is your sense that what were you joking then about your appointment oh yeah not that funny is it well I didn't know I take it really sorry you it's all right you know it's about your your sense that um you make yourself busy yeah thing but I was just wondering how you could take yourself out of your mind in that way of keeping just being so trapped I yeah okay I'm asking you just to kind of consider it I realize you don't know the answer and I don't know so well I can't th a friend can I why not I'm joking e