Walking While Trans transcript

[Music] imagine walking down a crowded street and having all these eyes on you and you're just trapped in the state of paranoia trying to figure out what about you it is that is making people so uncomfortable is it my jaw line my forehead do people think I look like a man it's such a complex feeling as someone who wants to feel included in society I definitely feel unsafe a lot of the time in public spaces I think initially people look at me because they're like wow here's a tall attractive woman walking down the street and then the more they look they notice that I'm trans and they're like no way and then they're just like oh my god and then maybe they think is she a hooker she movie stars your model how do I get to know her or that's disgusting it's never positive actor they discover that I'm trying it's I think I leave my house with a prayer am I gonna get attack when I leave my house because I don't feel comfortable or I don't feel confident and how I look navigating in New York City as a trans woman you know it's more psychological and you start thinking are they looking at me because I'm trans or some man features are coming through like why is people looking so I think it's more psychological for a trans person uh still scared in public pieces especially when it's a big crowd I have this everyday man child which I tell myself every time as I get ready in the morning that I'm amazing I'm smart and beautiful and talented because these are also words that I kind of help beat down self-deprecating thoughts that I have of myself my former self Expressionists your fashion and for me every time I step out side of my apartment building I always get a little bit of anxiety and just because my queerness is really visible so I'm literally wearing Who I am on the outside and that's putting myself in a really vulnerable state so to have all these eyes and judgments and whatnot can be really quite heavy sometimes [Music] at night dress the way I do I think like I attract a lot of attention to myself there are times where a man will approach me and they think I'm attractive and then they start to talk to me and they hear my voice and then they're like oh she's transgender and then like I feel like the immediate reaction at that point is like to get angry or to get violent why are you walking around like this trying to fool all these men like here I was assigned male at birth and I had all these privileges and now I'm like ruining that I'm having surgeries and I'm feminizing my body and that two men can make them very uncomfortable and very angry [Music] I had a situation once where I'm pretty sure this guidance that I was trans and like he was talking to me and I talked just like this I never changed my voice I don't like trying to sound like you know if this woman I just like I just talk like this all the time and so I was talking to this guy and because I thought it was just friendly conversation and I thought it was hot so why not right but I could feel that there was a woman assist woman that walked BA and she obviously gave us like some really weird look like oh my gosh I can't believe you're talking to her in a sense and I could feel his energy shift because of that and then his response to me was wait are you a dude and I was like excuse me innocence like first of all that's not the right way to ask that question and so I just proceeded to ask him did you not know and then I just like walked away after that but in that moment I felt like it would have been easy for him to attack me if he felt like his masculinity was kind of like questioned for me maybe sometimes these men don't know I'm trans or whoever I get hit on don't know I'm trans yeah it's like disgusting but secretly inside you like I know I look good and that brings me confidence as much as I hate it and I think it's disgusting catcalling sickly in my mind I'm like I know I look good that means I thought it makes me feel passable when I get called some people will say nasty things and laugh at me and mock me people have always yell things like is that a man or a woman or do you have a dick or things like that and it can be really really scary to be doing with these people as much progress as we're making in our society I think no matter how far we go we still have that but the whole group of like assessment who see trans women as weak boys instead of women and I think that that's part of the attraction for them too but it's also a really big hit to like our women in it I think that it's a man not seeing a trans woman as a woman and just seeing her for a boy and very weak at being a boy dating has been sort of a challenge because I feel like sometimes men avoid openly dating me because they think that to be seen out in public with me or to introduce their parents to me it would prompt people to like question their sexuality like is this guy gay because he's dating a trans woman the reality is like I think trans women are like cool and smart and hot and guys should stop being so insecure about it like we're women too I didn't think I look good I'm sorry I heard you got the end of the day we're just like every other person who we just was born in the wrong gender so yeah publicly we're transitioning to a different sex but we're just like you you know we walk in the same same street we're breathing the same air we have the same heartbeat you know what is difference besides me feeling like I was born in a different sex and I want to change that I wish I could you know what these people talk to them and converse with them and ask them questions you know why would you say that why do you feel this way and try to understand their perspective rather than just kind of like brushing it off and I just think with change a conversation used needs to happen [Music] you [Music]